Wish

I have a wish for you

that you stay undefined

That you live your life outside of lines

And do your best to never mind

I have a wish for you

That you never give me something to hate

Never put in a box that which was made to be free

Never tell anyone that who they are

Is not who they are meant to be

 

 

You say that you want to see me happy, well all that I need is love.  Help me know that I can be loved. 

Just allow me once to feel like I can be alright being myself and maybe, just maybe, I'll feel comfortable enough to even get better.  It's easy to love someone, just help them be who they are.

 

 

I can tell you why I'm confused.  I look at God, I look at the world. And my identity is somewhere in between.  I long for myself to be so defined as to have a clear side in this fight. I long for good to come naturally- but no, it's evil that is easy.  It's good that I long to do.  Being caught right here in the middle is my living truth, my active fallacy.   Not quite the son of perdition I was born to be, and not quite the love of God I'm told is right.

 

I'm somewhere in between in this journey, and that's where I am.  I can't reach the end before I take these steps so someone, walk with me, please.



Did I mention I'm confused?

This philosophical talk is all circling around something I don't know how to say.  Maybe it's simply that life hurts me.  That I'm searching for something that doesn't hurt. 
There is an answer to life's burning questions.
I don't know it.

I guess it's only worth thinking about for those who are hurt by it.

Gone

Yes, it seems bad things have a tendency to come so naturally, cancer, disease, accidents.  All you have to do to is 'Be yourself' and the pain will find the cracks.  The good, on the other hand, must be worked for- whether it's a hard body, a brain, or just being able to tell a story.  Life cursed me for a while by blessing me with natural talent.  My goal now is unnatural talent because everything good I had just ran away.

Hear me out

Push.  You used to push yourself, harder than anyone else- in a direction you thought no one had gone before.  To figure depression out- to be the one that could heal the masses.  You were tired, even when you shouldn't be.  You'd go to sleep exhausted and open your eyes to the same tiredness that drove you to bed.

This is not fatigue, this is depression.  Fighting a losing battle all the time.  Yet it's such a better option to you than looking around and seeing no one fighting it at all.  Living life for what it is, people being awful and cruel and continuing to get worse.  Watch as we let it happen, watch as nobody cares enough to fight it.

It is too exhausting to want to change the world yourself, the more you burden yourself with duty, the less you are able to deal with it.  So do I recommend ignoring what you know in your heart needs to change? No, not at all.  Your heart longs for good, and all you know is this world isn't all good, even if it has been for you, you know there are many out there who are feeling the exact same way you were.  Misery is tough to escape.  It's not something you can shake off and leave behind.  It's always there for someone else to pick up.  It's always looking for another life to poison.

So lay your burdens down my friend. 

In the hands of someone you can trust-

if that's yourself, so be it,

but you'll drop it soon enough. 

You'll recover for sure, you'll try to dribble again. 

You'll fight till death overtakes you

before you see an end.

 

God longs for you to have rest in Him.  If you don't feel comforted in God's arms, you don't know Him.  The Bible, to me, has been inspiration lately, a goal of sorts.  I'm not Christ, I'm far from Him- yet He promises to carry my burdens if I take up a real relationship with Him.  He has taken my burdens.  I'm still in this fight, just with God by my side, or should I say "as my lead"? 

 

If you are burdened under God, that is not where you need to be- cast your cares upon Him because He cares for you.  That means we don't have to defend ourselves- not with God as our shield.  Knowing Him and knowing that what He says is true is the best defense to any unloving attack.

 

Wherever you go for comfort, that is your god.  Christ won't fail you- even when you feel He has, all things work out for the good of those who love Him.  The ultimate good, not the selfish good.  We are all people, and none should be bound by the chains of depression.  There is freedom to be who you are, found in God's word and exemplified by Christ.

Does anybody else but me get a little disturbed that we send so many missionaries who are more willing to go overseas and talk to people rather than help America, who has turned so far away from God?

I know it's a lot easier for people to go anywhere or do anything where they will feel more welcomed.  But America, I feel if America thinks they don't need God, why would anybody else?  It'd be just a matter of time before they get just as complacent as we are.

I watched the documentary "Happy" today.  I think it makes a concept that I've forgotten come back a whole lot clearer.  You don't need God to be happy.  I'm actually pretty sure that God doesn't exist for the singular purpose to make us happy.  There are many things that people can hold onto other than God that make their life feel complete.  So that is obviously not the purpose of God in our lives.

I would say that the purpose of God is to teach us to live and love right, but that is only a small factor of His existence.  The larger purpose of God is the simple matter of our existence.  We wouldn't exist without a Creator, and we continue to exist because of Him.  God is the only thing that will transcend past, present, and future.  He exists apart from our lives, eternally.  Nothing we hold onto on earth will last forever except for God (even if our perspective of Him is wrong, He is who He is, whether we see it or not). 

All forms of happiness without Him in the center are delicate, circumstantial.  Even if the only circumstance it's dependent on is the fact that you are alive to feel it.  Only one has conquered death, and without Christ, death is the end to any happiness.  Having a Christ centered life rather than an "I'm comfortable because of how my life is going right now" kind of life is based on knowing Him for who He says He is in the Bible.  Otherwise, most of what we try to do is turn God into who we think He should be, or what pleases us at the time. 

So read the Bible, and pray.  Seek a relationship with God like you do relationships with friends and family.  You don't know them, but you want to.  And if God is who He says He is, then we want to know Him- whether we feel comfortable doing that or not.

Selfishness

One beautiful thing about love, that I know has a tendency to scare me from it, is how it helps you see how selfish you are.  It pretty much straps you to a chair, pulls your eyes open and forces you to watch yourself as you behave like the idiot you never wanted to believe you were.  Well, that is life I suppose, and if you're willing to be in love, you must be willing to see the selfishness in you.  Otherwise, you're just going to be sad all the time.

Sadness stems from not getting what you want.  I've been sad for a very large portion of my life (one reason/excuse is I have a headache all the time- Lord knows I don't want that).  I feel like sadness has always been a tool people use on other people to make them do what they want.  I feel I've used it quite a bit too.  The worst part is that I've been using that technique on God,  yea I can use it on people- they could be wrong to not agree with me- but God?  If I claimed to believe and trust God the way I said I did, I would know that everything I've been given has been given to me because of the good that can come from it.  All things work for the good of those who love God.  If you love God, you will be given that opportunity to see where your selfish desires do not match up with the benevolent desires that God has for your life.

A very large portion of my life with God has been me admitting I'm wrong, but, on the other hand, the more important side of that is knowing what God wants for my life instead and doing that.  Then being able to say that God was absolutely right the whole time...

I've been in love, real physical love- I've treated people poorly as a result of my selfish desires.  I've treated people poorly on accounts where I was totally justified.  But I've been wrong to treat people poorly at all and accepting God's love and learning more about who He is; that is what has made me okay with letting my selfishness go.  God wants what is best for us, He fulfills the desires of our hearts in the way that we would never expect or be able to accomplish ourselves.  It may be selfish to go to God, but it's what is best for you and the people around you.  Do it for them too :)

"Why do you say, my people, and assert,

my children, that

'Our way is hidden from the Lord, and the justice due us escapes the

notice of our God'?" 

Is. 40:27 paraphrased

 

Those who wait for the Lord

Will gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like

eagles,

They will run and not get tired,

They will walk and not become weary.   

Is. 40:31

 

Thoughtlessness

If I could say there is one thing destroying the Republican party, that translates into everyone's lives to some degree, it is thoughtlessness.  If I, personally, could link one word to thinking, it's depression.  Might as well throw in pain to that equation as well.  To some, probably the greatest minds in the world, thinking was necessary.  While critical thinking is a hard thing to do, like any other skill, it is important in learning how to process the world around you as your knowledge of it grows and as you grow to fit it.  I believe that as children, we often get the idea that we cannot increase our ability to think well.  I know that in school, I've often been presented a problem and if I can solve it, then I can solve it, but if I can't, then I can't.  For those lucky people who have problems in their lives, whether physical or emotional, this can be the greatest drive to think critically, because you never want to give up on the problem.  It is something that not only can't be solved currently but it also needs to be solved in order for you to function correctly. 

Necessity is what drives us to improve ourselves.  If I ever thought that I was well off enough (Physically, Spiritually, and Emotionally) to be comfortable living the rest of my days in peace, I would never think again.
Unfortunately/fortunately, I have been given physical pain, emotional pain, and a spiritual cup that must be filled constantly.  These three things are what drive our being and I am confident that it drives us in the direction we need to go, not with us as passengers, but as the driver who must think critically about these directions and know the destination they need to be going.

There isn't a second of my life when I am not thinking.  There are times when that is overwhelming, but there are times when that is the most glorious and satisfying part of my life.  There is a lot to process in this world and it is scary.  Our nation of comfort and plenty provides many distractions from the complications of life, so instead of being bombarded by problems, we are numbed by escapes.  This is just who we are, some take comfort in drugs when they have a problem that society doesn't answer, numerous addictions are a result of unanswered questions- it's just the most effective way we can conceive to deal with pain. 

A phrase appearing in the Bible numerous times while Jesus heals people is "your faith has made you well."  These people (the woman who touched Jesus' garment, lepers, blind men), they lived their whole lives searching for an answer to what their hearts were telling them were wrong.  Yes, these afflictions were physical, but can you imagine the emotional toll it took on them?  Yet they still pursued.  I don't need to imagine anymore how they felt when they were finally healed after all the years of pain.  I can honestly say I've experienced healing before where my physical pain has stayed, but my emotional state was one I considered pure joy.  I have that now, I can say confidently that the reason is Christ in my life.  Not the Christ that I grew up hearing about on Sundays, but the Christ that I have dedicated my life, my free time, my work time, my nighttime, and my daytime to.  I say it like it was entirely a forced decision on my part, but it wasn't entirely.  When I would hear or read from the Bible something that Christ says to be true, but isn't me-  I knew how I could never and would never choose to be that on my own.  The only thing I could do is trust Christ when He says that He is "transforming our minds in ever-increasing glory."  I would pray that He would change my heart, often times I wouldn't always trust He would, but I stuck around.  The more I dedicate my life to knowing Him and trusting he is who he says he is.  The more the darkness in my life that I've been trusting to Him just goes away.

Go to God with your questions, your darkness, your pain- He will always turn it into a good, even if that good means you are giving up all your free time just to focus on Him.  Or if it means He is holding out for more of you (so you can have more of Him)  "Follow me," Christ says, and believe it or not, it  is a good thing Christ calls us to give up everything to be disciples.  All the disciples did for three years was follow Christ, and they didn't really understand what was going on until Christ died.  But they were transformed! They became more than just fishermen or tax collectors, they became who God created them to be!  The same person they always longed to be but couldn't define without God! We are going to be in doubt too, but doubt is the greatest thing that can drive us as close as we need to be to God to get the answers our hearts long for, and to be the people he made us to be.  It will take as much as you can give to Christ to deal with the thoughts He has put on your heart, and you will have answers, and there will be many in life who need them. As you can see, our country is in such desperate need of answers, but that only means it is desperately in need of a relationship with Christ who is the one who can help heal our eyes so that we can see the
answer.

I will say that the typical approach to Christianity is not a cut and paste answer though.  The Bible is true, as a whole, and is not meant to be broken up and spit out for our own purposes.  The change comes in the heart as you learn more about who God is, true Christianity is a change of the heart.  I just encourage you to learn more so your life can be satisfied and your life can be changed.  So that when your spirit is satisfied, it is then that you know you have an opinion God wants the world to hear.  Proclaim it from the rooftops, he says :) Right now I'm only comfortable with a blog, but someday!

Love! (and learning what that means)

Luke

Funny thing today was, maybe I'll be able to start writing more about days like these.
Well, election news has certainly inspired me to learn more about my views in a hope to be able to share better with others in an intelligent way.  Right now, I do admit most of what I know is based on my Christian beliefs (which are more than enough for me, I would just like to know more of what's going on)

I've been waking up lately, early, with the quiet of the morning to still my mind.  I grab my Bible next to me knowing that my mind goes to bad places as early as the sun rises- that is unless I have a place to put it- a place I know I can trust.  No, I can't say I did it out of fear- never have I felt close to God when I only do what I feel I'm supposed to without good reason.  I believe fear to be a very, very bad reason. 

So I had a good start, I drove to school after that and, as I pulled in, saw the flags at half mast.  A smile came to my face when my mind jumped to the idea that the reason was due to the election results, but then I stifled it when I considered that there may have actually been a tragedy overseas.

I went to Psych class and spaced out- my mind can only focus on love, what it means to me, how to convey it, and how God defines it.  I pick up some good ideas in Psych because God made the brain.

I got to hang out after class for a bit with a friendly girl I met who is in my Genetics class as well, we talked well together, I was anxious for someone to help me vent my post-election thoughts and she listened very well.

After that I headed to Genetics class, my intention was to sit near this kid who is uber non-talkative, I like that- silence isn't awkward for someone who can live in it.  Unfortunately, I miscounted the row he was sitting in so I ended up fighting my way to the middle of the row in front of him.  I sat down anyway.

This is half my day- not even- ask me if you ever want to hear the rest- I just wanted to do a writing exercise

Election 2012!

To the Christians,

It is not the government's job to do our job.  While it would make it easier for us to stay silent if the greater power of the nation upheld our beliefs, we have to accept that that is not the case, nor should we depend on it to bind the hands of people who don't believe the same as we do.  We have chosen to serve Christ with our lives, under the freedom to choose which Christ so freely gave us. To those not free from their sins, Christianity has become a doctrine of slavery.  It is seen, not as liberating, but as stifling.  How can we convince someone to follow Christ if they are still enslaved to the world?  Like Christ says, "you cannot serve two masters," and we can't make them serve God if they are serving themselves.  What we can do is what Christ calls us to do, and that's devote our lives to God, to loving Him and learning to love others by showing them who He really is.  God is not a God that forces us to serve Him, we willingly choose to put Him in the center of our lives.  If that is not the case then our hearts our far from Him, so Christ says that if that is the case, and a real relationship with Him wasn't pursued, then He will look at us the same way and say "Leave. I never knew you."

Christians should not be interested in physically changing the behaviors of people who do not know Him.  Christians must take on the responsibility of having a relationship with God that causes others to hunger for the love we have to offer.  I know how hard that is.  I know how hard having a real relationship with Him is, but getting to know Him through the Bible and trusting that He is listening in prayer means that we must always take the opportunity to actively allow him into our lives.

Love!

Luke

I am confident to know now that the hardest situations can produce some of the best people.  Something I've struggled with for quite a while is maintaining my faith in God during the hard times in my life.  I feel like the American culture of Christianity, or at least my perception of it, leads me to believe that if I'm not "happy," God is not happy with me.  That is not true.  If I am not happy, I'm probably in the process of growing closer to Him.  I can either embrace that opportunity or not. I can either draw closer to knowing Him and only Him, or not.  Faith is believing, despite how you feel, and the feeling comes from knowing who God is- which may or may not happen, but faith is pursuing Him, even through the times of struggle.

I know that I can only give my all to Him, and that means giving my free time to learning His will for my life- even though I hurt, I know His will is good.

Oh my goodness

It's silly how seriously I take everything. Oh yea, I've been critically hanging on to all that depth- all these thoughts like I'm just a step away from turning them into something meaningful.  Can you understand how painful it's been not loving?  I used to enjoy talking to people.  For some strange reason that I can't figure out again, and I swear that's the deeper reason I've been searching for.  I just wanted to be able to care for something like I thought I was supposed to.  Well, thank God that's not possible! My idea of caring is poisonous... destructive.  Maybe you don't have to search for what is deep, maybe it's just there to be let out.

Weeping at this world.

And then gnashing at the teeth. 

Desperately fighting down

the emptiness that always seems

to lead.

Dichotomy

There is a dichotomy in this world.  A good and an evil, blended together to make it very hard to tell the two apart.  I believe in absolute truth.  One that nature was based in- which, to me, is what inspires us to think and allows us to.  Absolute truth is what is good, and I do not believe it changes based on the culture that surrounds us, but I do believe that different situations call for different, loving responses.  The correct way to deal with a situation, a way that is beneficial not just over the short term but in the long term is what I believe to be absolute truth.

No one can claim that they know without a doubt, what is best in a given situation.  Absolute truth coexists with pure evil, making it very hard to tell the two apart.  Pure evil, which may sound like a lofty term; I use in reference of actions like lying, which, when believed, causes what is true to not be seen anymore.  What is true in an instance like, "is the sky blue?" or "is the grass green?" Is always going to be based on perception.  But does that change the fundamental root of the existence of the sky or the grass?  Whatever it is, it is.  So taking action in this life requires faith, either in what you have seen happen in this world, or by what you have heard or thought could work better.  Both require a certain amount of trust.

Trusting what you have seen work in this world is in interesting concept, it means that you are observing the world in it's state of polar imbalance, where both the good and the bad are being absorbed.  Any action that you make in reference to what you have seen is based on how you distinguish between what the good and what the evil is in your life.  Nothing changes in the way you act unless what you have faith in changes.  Like if you have faith that someone is telling the truth, but they are actually lying to you, you will believe it until you stop having faith in what they say.

Losing faith is what happens to us as we grow older, when we are children, we have no reason to believe anyone is telling a lie or that anything isn't true.  As we grow older, we start recognizing contradictions in the things people say and then in what they do.  That is why I lost my faith in people; after being betrayed by other people's lies and even betraying myself by submitting to desires that did not play out in a way that satisfied me, I lost faith, not only in others, but in myself.  One cannot write off the entirety of humanity just because of a single lie though.  There is much good as well as evil in someone's perspective.  There are many things we do know, and there are many things we don't know.  It would be awful to write off the things someone knows, simply because you trusted them when they said something they only thought they knew, When, in turn, based on your life experiences and what you know, it doesn't appear to be true.

It's hard to understand why we can be wrong.  And even if one doesn't believe that there is anything wrong, how can one account for another's belief that there is wrong?  That, in itself, would be a wrong belief.

Either way, our vision and ability to see more of life broadens as we have more experiences and see more angles.  But that is not necessarily the cure for being able to distinguish what is right or wrong.  Still, there are many gaps in our vision that we fill in, by faith.  And if our faith is in anything of this world, we will be embracing both the good and the bad together.  Which,  they do both exist, but we do not need to embrace (or base our actions on the bad) we need only to recognize that it exists in order for us to do good, without being disappointed that we aren't always receiving good in return.  What is bad will always pollute what is good, just through it's coexistence.

That is a concept I believe is portrayed in the crucifixion of Christ.  Not many people deny that he existed or that he was a good man, yet he definitely did not receive good in return.  Nor did Martin Luther King, or John F. Kennedy.  Many others have been killed because one or a group of peoples' limited perspective disagreed with another's perspective.

Faith in what we have seen allows us to function, if we do not trust what we have seen, we will not be able to do anything.  For me, I've often recognized that it's very hard for me to deal with reality.  For instance, I ask myself all the time "if life is good, why am I in chronic pain?"  I believe now that I am working towards understanding that, and the more that I have faith again, in what I have seen, the more I continue to learn what is good and what is bad.  Some lies are deeply rooted into my core beliefs though.  Is there anyone who will deny that the Westboro Baptist family that consistently degrades other people's existence is fundamentally wrong?  My core beliefs are just as shaken by what I have accepted or rejected in this world. That is another fear of mine that consistently stops me from acting on my impulses- I am afraid that my pursuit of truth isn't even enough to purify me of the cracks in my "foundation."

What is true? Many philosophers have asked that question, but once again, anyone who lives has been chronically exposed to a shifting mix of what is true and what isn't.  In order to establish a concept of  absolute truth requires a great risk.  Faith becomes less about believing what you have seen, and more about believing what you have never seen, which is pure, absolute truth.  To accept anything as absolute truth, we are no longer believing what we have seen, we are merely trusting that it is out there in some form or another.  Thus, religion is born, and people no longer live life based on a limited perspective, they live life based on a gamble that either they are following the one, true, perspective, or they are denying everything they have seen for a perspective that is not based on what they have seen, which may actually be nothing at all.

I believe there is an absolute truth, I'll say it again; but I also believe that that truth is evident in this world.  I cling to my own belief in the Bible, not to the point that I disregard the things I have seen (for whether anything is good or evil, it is identifiable and addressed in the Bible) but to the point that I am always recognizing where actions and thoughts fall on the scale of what is good or bad.  I am confident that God does not ask us as people to do anything but love him for being absolute truth, making it accessible through the life of Jesus Christ, and to live in the world around us in a way that asks the question: how is God right?

Weight

I just came to the revelation today that this blog has always had a deeper twinge of emotion to it than I've had the coherence to actually acknowledge.  That subtle twinge is of weight.  Maybe it's subtle to everyone else but the truth is, now I feel it for the full weight it is.  All these questions, doubts, concerns;  I'll admit something that I'm really afraid to tell anyone.  I dream big.  I want the world to change, I want myself to be able to bear it on my shoulders and carry it wherever I have the desire for it to go.  I'm definitely not ready to bear that weight yet but that is still what I try to do.  A sermon I listened to described patience as waiting for God's timing in everything, it was good to hear because I would like to think I'm ready to start facing the world head on-  but there are a lot more sensible things that need to be done in me first.  

The weight of big dreams crushes your enjoyment of life's small pleasures.  I know God doesn't want us to shut out anything that is good in our life, and I know that if I miss them (the simple things in life) I'll miss the big picture greatness as well.

I realize that in my social life and any time that I share anything with anyone- this weight is also conveyed as well.  Like let's say my dissatisfaction with the way my life is going is being translated into my behavior as something like depression or anger, immediately when I interact with someone that emotion is conveyed and it becomes something the other person now is trusted with.  They are presented an option, to deal with it and help the me through- even though they may not understand the situation, or, they might not even be able to handle the load.  So many times I see someone with a weight on them and I'm scared to even approach it because I know how much that kind of negativity would slow me down as well.  This is all the more reason to hide what I felt.  When I could see everyone else being dragged down by my problems, and even the ones who weren't, I just couldn't trust them.  If you are sharing someone's load, it slows you down- I don't want it to seem effortless for them, otherwise it feels like they aren't trying to carry anything at all, and I don't want to slow someone down as they fly high.  It's a lose/lose situation.

Honestly,  I try to hide the weight of what I feel.  I try to hide how heavy the weight is of a friend who's hurting.  But it's hard to see people hurt, and it's harder still to share the load.  But I take joy in it now, for it is one thing, I, as a Christian, know I'm doing for God.  And I know that His yoke is easy and his burden is light, if it doesn't feel that way, I know I'm not sharing it with him. 

Identity

A blank wall, an empty building
Cut and paste an identity
Skim the surface of who you are
Not everything you hold is you
But who you are is that Blank wall
Ready to be filled with what is true

Songs, clippings, pages with quotes and emotion. A tiny pinprick of what you are, fleshed out and developed in someone else's words.  Attached to your blank wall, filling up more space than it should.  Eventually you contain so much more excess than what you are that you are hardly yourself at all.  You're just a covered wall. A collage of so many other's ideas.  Am I to say that there is anything one can create that is fully them? Well, might that one must know themselves fully- yet who can in a world of such mixed identity?  For those who accept as truth the things they feel, and for those who accept as truth the things they know, or the things they see.  This is what their blank wall will be.

Glory

It would make sense to want to be a testament to the glory of man, exhibiting the fullest of your earthly potential to make known the truest wonders of this world.  Wonders birthed and fulfilled through God.
It would make sense to believe that it's our job to take ownership of these natural beauties, things like Science, Industry, Mathematics, etc.  What doesn't make sense is why we need to own them, what can we do with them that God doesn't do already?  What if ownership of these things actually takes away from our dependence on the source of them?

Christ, God on earth, chose not to glorify Himself with His actions- equality with God was not considered something that could be grasped, even by Him who embodied God!  He was a reflection of God's full nature.  Great things like Science, Math, and Industry are toys that we play with.  He never touched on them.  These qualities of God that are so easy to manipulate for our own end. It's so easy to want to know what it's like to have the world at our fingertips, it's so easy to think we'd manage the world better than God.  Can't He lead us to use these things? I do believe He can, but until we are willing to be who He was for us, the meek, lowly servant of an entire world, the same thing He is today.  What will we do with our power but glorify ourselves for demonstrating it?

Our efforts are in knowing God.  Running after Him in such a way as Christ did. It's a shame I forget that sometimes.

Christ isn't the only means we pursue to achieve our goals, but he is the only way we can achieve them- we all want the world to be a better place, but the world isn't going to last forever, so why pour all of your efforts into it?  No, the effort shouldn't go to what is temporary, rather the effort should go into what is eternal.  God is eternal, and all effort should go to loving Him.

Learning

Bust your butt, that's what makes the world better.

For the people that matter, the people who need it, the people who are fit enough to survive.  Don't hold back for fear, do what it takes to know this world.  Science, Industry, Mathematics.  All the work that has gone into knowing.  Is the fear in not having the end in sight? Alas! Isn't that where the joy should be! Paving the way into the unknown, unbroken territory.  The unbridled, wild passion of what has never been known before.  Find it, pursue it, for your sake and for the sake of all others who need that world discovered.

It is for the idea of a better world that we strive for what is better.  How bad is it that necessity dictates a humans desire and not the will of the human themselves?  Let's not wait until things are worse, things are bad right now, if only in the simple fact that we aren't running as fast as we can into the infinity of the unknown!  The world is made better through knowledge, the filling in of the gaps in our understanding.  How can we convince ourselves that we know all there is to know? That there is nothing new worth knowing? It's only because we reduce the size of our world to our job, our family, our school, even our living rooms!  Only then can we say that we know everything about the world and that's because we shut a large portion of the world out!

I'm tired and scared of seeing myself do this, I don't want my life to continue in this way.  It's time to work beyond our human desire and open doors to the world we know so that we can rise to be a part of the world we live in, which includes all that we have yet to learn.

Obstacles in

There's definitely a lot in my way tonight.  I must admit, I've been pretty sedentary.  Tried to put in some time with God this morning, read a few chapters, wrote down a verse- then kinda didn't move at all.  I blame the heat, I blame my headache.  I blame a lot of things but I'm seriously just too lazy to overcome it all.  I took about an hour long walk, tried to pray a lot, was really distracted. So pretty much ended up just letting the activity in my mind just run itself out.

I'm posting this, not because I think it's good writing or anything- but because I know that God will be glorified by how he works in me over the next days, weeks, lifetime...  Struggling to come to Him, and still coming to Him makes us so much stronger for going through it.  Gotta love this life and the hurdles it throws our way :)

New Post

Righteous! What an awesome summer! Campers, friends, God. The trifecta that really keeps me growing.
I'm glad to be back to writing- I think I learned even more how to pour my heart out in relateable and expressive new ways :)

But normally I don't even have the time to do that via internet, I simply have time to drop an idea on paper so that I can save it forever.  That's actually what I'm going to do now.

My friend, God bless her, basically said she was getting a massage.  My response was, "I'm jealous, you'd be surprised of who though."  Right, I'm jealous of the one giving the massage, I said.  She asked me why that is and I replied "Because I want all good things to come from me."

That has definitely been a big part of my running theme for the summer.  God has definitely taught me to let a lot of things find their place in Him, whether it be my pain, my depression, or whatever else I've learned I can't manage on my own.  Unfortunately, there are still a lot of things I haven't trusted Him to be for me- and perfect is one of them.  It's been amazing how much stress I've been carrying around just trying to be perfect, and, as much as that isn't right, I never quite knew that I could give God even that part of me I've been trying to be for Him.

The stress from trying to be perfect comes from the fact that we are not, and my idea of perfection has never truly been "One is perfect when they are truly themselves" Which it may be closer to being now, but no, it's been based on how the culture reacts to me.  If I'm not perfect in my love for others, than I am not perfect in God's eyes I thought.  How wrong could I be! I'm never going to be perfect, but it's the faith to let God work through you that is given as righteousness- He is the only perfect thing so drawing to Him to be perfect where you fall short takes a lot of stress off of one's heart.

Dependence

It's funny how a wave starts.  My friend posted how encouraged she's been by God this year, she reminded me of the importance of being truly dependent on God for every aspect of my life.  For me, that means giving up my "personality."  I put that in quotes for the main reason of me being, above all, a scientist.  And ever since I was a teenager, my behavior with people has always been a science experiment.  I change daily, trying different ways to get people to like me better.  Unfortunately, even if someone does like me, I don't feel like they are liking "me," because all "I" am is a collection of actions that are arranged for one purpose, to get a good reaction.  This has been my struggle with dependence, what's awesome about the wave is how I've shared this thought with some people and it affects them all, in different areas of their life, but nevertheless, I would gladly give up all I am for God because I know that all "I" am is an attempt to be the love that He is.  The actions I always wanted to embody are found in Christ and, for me, that is what true dependence means and I definitely need to be reminded not to fight too hard to make myself into someone God doesn't want me to be.  Too often I fight to be who I think I should be.  Too often I'm wrong and I'm fighting a fight that I'm never gonna win. 

Oh that hurts so bad to never be comfortable with who you are. 

The Unapproachable Problem

It comes about subtly, a thought does, a good one I mean.  Sometimes, after a long time of hiding from yourself, from the world, the ocean of echoing noise comes in, or out, I'm not sure.  Either way, it touches you.  Leaves you overwhelmed.  Life just gets more dense for a while, there is meaning in every little thing and there is nothing that isn't a part of you in some distant but sentimental way. 
It's a feeling, and it's beautiful, unlike so many others it's right- but it's the hardest one to find.  Life is simple, flat. Instead of the crags and valleys, mountains or vacant lots.  Life becomes an ocean, dynamic and yet so peaceful.  Enormity contained.  For some strange reason, you are not yourself, you are everything created, because you are subject to one Creator.  One manifest greatness that makes your world no different than the one you are living in.  The one you were born to live in.  When every hurdle is vaulted and there is no great climb, no great race, there's just a peace you needed-

That ain't gonna last.

It's just a taste of what life should be.  It's life without the painful living that comes with it.  It's a call for you to hear and know, so that there is no settling for less- there is no misbelief that what you have now is better than all there is.  Eternity is waiting for us, heaven or hell, and there is no one who doesn't believe that life can be a little bit of both, but all of neither.  So the race begins again, and the fight starts for the heaven that we know, or, the drought returns, and what happens is we leave our thirst for the life that is just-

living and safe and easy.

Evil was never defeated.  Many battles won, but the war was always lost.  Every step I took on my own was only deeper into enemy territory.  I was mapping it out, getting to know firsthand what I was up against as I walked farther down a road to inevitable defeat.  How long would it have been until I found a problem I couldn't handle?  Where does that leave me?  Only deep into enemy territory.  I try to justify by saying that many I know have gone down that path- that these hurdles are in their way too and they need to be able to approach them.  For what purpose though? These problems could be there to help us see the joy we could have on the other path.  Instead of walking down the path the world has for us, maybe we can see all that God has in store if we just turn to Him?  I don't want to help anyone walk farther down the broad path, for many have chosen it, and I've learned to trust that it can only lead to destruction.

Small thought

"You can't trust that."  I feel like there were definitely some times in my life where it would have been better to hear that than just feel flat out wrong. 

I enjoy listening to what people say, most of all, I enjoy trusting what they've said.  In this age of politics and deception, I find it hard to trust. A lot of what is said, and this blog is no different, is based on speculation- thoughts and perspectives of the one offering them.  So often, every statement is polluted by emotion.  We cling to the things we say because these beliefs are what make us who we are- they come from the heart.  The things that matter, be it religion, love, government.  The beliefs that we have that make up our perspective of these things are the beliefs we have that allow us to function.  When I share what I think, I know what I'm sharing is more than just an extroneous thought, I'm sharing myself- thoughts I've already incorporated into my being (which may be my first mistake)- but when I'm told that I'm wrong because of what I accept, I do not appreciate.  I find it an attack at who I am, baseless without a reason.  And if I'm wrong, I want to know why, and why I can trust what I'm being told. 

I know I'm trying to trust everything I've seen in God's nature and likeness, but obviously there are little things that slip through the cracks.  I would just like for things to be a discussion, on both sides, rather than just two parties clinging to the beliefs that separate them from each other simply because if you shake the foundation, the life they built could crumble.

I, personally, believe it's best to know when your building is bad, fix it now for those who need a good example of what a healthy house looks like.  But the most important thing to me, is just being willing to let go of what you have and start over.

Strife

I want to run for you until my lungs tingle.  If there has been a better way for me to get the idea of running hard for Christ, nothing has been so obvious and necessary as what I was able to do yesterday.  I had the urge to go running in our backyard here, just doing suicides on our lawn :) and I cannot believe how different it is- I've been running distances for a while, like two miles a day, but within like five minutes of just doing all out sprints I thought my heart was going to give out.  Needless to say, it was the most I've physically exerted myself in the last few weeks, but it was certainly the most rewarding exercise I've had the pleasure of suffering through.

Middle Distance Runner, that would be my song of the day because that has been my approach to life, steady and strong- just kind of do what you can and survive.  It's hard to feel accomplished though when you don't push yourself- it's especially hard to convince yourself it's worth it (before you do it) The hurt of that much effort is usually too much of a hurdle.  I need to be encouraged to push past the slow jog and to start running hard.  In my life, everything I do can be approached with that same "run hard" attitude- I just have to be willing to push past the pain- I just need to be able to see the point, or trust that there is one.

Motivation

There are thousands of causes that people live and work for.  Some people work for money, others work for purpose, some are only desperate to provide for their family.  A lot of youth in our nation are still seeking for any kind of motivation.  So where can it be found?

Is it found in the first identifiable need that comes around?  The man that has lived his whole life unsatisfied with all he lacks, does he turn to money to fill it?  The man with a family of mouths to feed, does he sacrifice his dreams to provide?

This idea of motivation, and the labor that comes about from it, is it ever spurred by a true choice?  Or is it only just a response to all that is missing in one's life?

Money is worth working for, for those who think they need it.
Purpose is a great need, for those who feel they have none.
Family is a truly noble fight, for everyone who has one.

Those without motivation are the free to choose their own.  To live a life free of need, and never be left wanting.  That is the blessing of the spoiled.  But even for them, comfort becomes a need that must be maintained.  A new motivation that, whenever threatened, drives one to do anything to keep it. 

I believe I have struggled with this motivation.  A motivation that above many things, draws out the selfishness of an individual.  Not even the labor that results from it is for anyone but themselves.  At least one who provides for their family benefits their family, but those who strive for their own comfort are only striving for themselves.  In a sense, all these motivations are selfish, to fulfill a need within, but some are more productive than others.  Some results are more tangible than others, but the value to the individual is always the same.

What are you working for?  I can say that sadly, I don't have to work too hard for my comfort, I actually feel a whole lot more comfortable not working at all.  That is a motivation I believe God calls me to lose.  Just like the man who works for his family, his service is for them.  If their is any motivation worth replacing my own with, it is in service of the Great Provider, the Great Comforter, and the one from whom all things come.

That is my desire, to have my life revolve around someone other than myself. A labor that is active and not passive.  God is not going to take the back burner in my life, it is my life that must be put in His hands.

Desire

The weight of pain, that which constantly oppresses many people in this great nation.  Suffering quite unlike that of developing countries, or of poor, starving, or those afflicted by lack.  We have a pain of our own.  All know how it feels, all approach it differently- for some it may be the cold depths of loneliness, for others it may be a constant feeling of inadequecy, there are so many pains.  Hungers that we don't even know we have yet we still continue to try and feed them with useless things.  Those who hunger for relationships, turning to food to fill the void.  Men and women who seek approval, turning to others desperate for the same thing, but alas, they are not the ones desperate for each other only .

Life is about that heartbreaking hunger, life is about not letting that hunger break who you are.  What is weaker than letting your mind be controlled by your pain?  How is it that we so often forget that others are just as empty as us?

Where one can recognize their own desires so well, it is so simple to pursue those alone.  Desires that call so loudly and beg and crouch at the foot of every thought that it makes one blind to a world plagued by the same chains.  A nation bound by desire, chosen to be deeply enslaved to temporary pursuits and pleasures.  There is none free of that desire, that, I believe is true, but what is a greater way to know the wondrous idea of Self than by knowing the desires that embody it?

If there is a unifying bond between all humanity, it is the selfishness that drives all good and bad accomplishments made by humanity.  The desire of an individual, tied to the desire of a nation, connected by the desire of the whole world.  If there is one thing that helps you know how to serve a friend or family member, it is by knowing the core desires that have been instilled in yourself.

Treat others as you would like to be treated, and one must know how they'd like to be treated, but instead of acting on filling that desire in themselves, one can at least try to address it in the people they love.

Conflict

Ah, this was has taken a long time to learn.  Conflict has been pretty good to me in my life, personal conflict that is.  I don't know why I expect the same results from arguing  (relational conflict), but I kind of do.  In a way, I guess I learn from arguing, or "discussing" if you think arguing has too much of a negative conotation. 

I started this post firmly thinking that it is pointless to argue, but I think I've begun to clarify that idea in my own mind.  It's pointless to argue if you don't live it out.  Most people do argue in defense of how they are living though, so, hm... How can I explain?  Well, for me, Christianity is something I'm always in defense of and always looking to show to other people, but when it comes to living out the mission of it as well as I can, I don't think I do that as well as I could.  I should definitely be humble enough to reveal that to people, while also not being afraid to show who I am and where I'm at on my journey.

I've argued for Christianity, but I've also seen how futile it is if people don't see what you are arguing for in you.  If people don't know Christ, if you aren't centering the focus on how he lives, then you are focusing on how you live, and people have a tendency to disagree with that.  It's pretty easy to find things you don't like in someone.  I do it all the time, that's pretty much how I disregard someone's argument- if they aren't living the way I want to then I'm not going to agree with their perspective.

I've seen a lot of people do it, at least, that's what I assume their reason is for the most part.  I really hope to lose that judgmental part of me and just focus on living the way Christ lived and not really arguing with anyone about how they should live their life but rather who they should live their life for.

Heart

A heart of stone is what I have
I've refused the thought
but that just means it's true all the more

Where do I begin on my journey to the end?
If I find a path to certain
I'll certainly find I hate where I'm going

So flesh is meant to follow
and a stone is meant to stay

So I'll replace my heart with Scripture
and watch my stone just roll away

Fate

Fate can lead a horse to water but it can't make him drink.

Life can lead us so many places, God certainly shows us good things and bad things in our lives.  But it's left to us to choose what to hold on to.  I've been afraid to settle down into a lifestyle, whether it's certain attitudes, behaviours, structures or schedules, I'm just so uneasy restricting my life to a single way.  I've seen myself fail (often) I've seen blindness settle in (as ironic as that sounds) and I've seen my inconsistency leave no room for focus or any true motivation.  Settling into a consistent way of living would be, to me, taking control of my life in a way that is uncomfortable and risky- I've been wrong so many times before, how can I expect to choose the right way to live?

I think the proof is based mostly in how inconsistent I've been living already, always plagued by indecision, always missing opportunities because I'm bummed out, or overconfident.  That has been my way, like a seed that is carried by the wind, never finding a place to settle down.  Sometimes high, sometimes low, but still never given it's first and final chance to grow.  This way of living in  itself is a fail.  Committing to the idea of never committing is still a commitment.  So what is more productive than holding on to what fate has shown you?  Letting go of the bad and embracing the good, running after it with all your heart.

Life will bring to you good things and bad things.
God teaches us to recognize what those things are.

I'm a go with the flow kind of person and, day after day, I've let the current take so many good things away from me because I'm so scared to grab something bad on accident.  It makes me sad, it makes me scared, I've let so many good things go by.  I've missed out on so much living and learning for the sake of my own comfort, yet I still wind up feeling miserable instead!

My attitude of never taking life as it is and always just waiting for something more, has left me feeling useless inside.  Like I said, I want to hold on to what is good, and it's safe to say, that there is not much that can be called "good," but I do know there are opportunities I've missed and that I am desperately going to start living again so that it never happens again.

God gives good things, maybe I should make a list of them and try to surround myself with them (even if I disagree, He's still right) and that's a sure thing.

Need

I've always been bugged when a guy or girl would say to their crush "I need you."  I personally considered that idea as absolutely ridiculous, but more importantly, I saw it as unstable.  I didn't and I still don't quite know what causes relationships to end, but I attributed it to the fact that, as naturally as it came to need each other at one point, that need, also naturally, faded. 

As life goes on and I see everyone stutter and fall sometimes, I have become aware of the fact that we all do need each other.  And as disgusted as I was by people who said they needed each other, but let that idea die when they no longer felt like maintaining it, I have been forced to accept that I am also wrong in my belief that no one actually does need anyone.

When it comes to developing a strong relationship with a person, I'm starting to realize that intimacy comes with understanding your need for that person.  It feels incredibly good to be needed, so recognizing your need for someone else is actually a very effective way to develop that relationship.  It might not even be a quality you can recognize yet, it might be something hidden behind layers and layers of walls.  It might be a part of you that you don't even realize you don't have, but there is always a quality in someone that is worth knowing.

I struggle very much, not with seeing how I could need someone else- I'm very good at recognizing good qualities in my friends and, in turn, becoming jealous of that quality to the point where I even become a little bitter- but I struggle with recognizing that people in some way need me as well.

I don't think I have great qualities, when my self esteem is in the dump and I just go invisible, I don't always see people reach out to find me.  That makes me feel completely unneeded and that hurts.  It's something I do to myself though for sure.  I sit back and judge the world without me like it's not even something I want to be a part of, but it is.  Living in this world is the only way I can see or have the positive effect I want.

We, as people, are all made in God's image, we are a body of Christ, capable of doing the amazing things He did, and capable of doing very simple pleasant works of generosity.  I feel that means we all have a quality of God that needs to be shown- hence why we need each other.  As a church, if we are all showing the element of God we've been given, we would be, as a unit, the essence of God.  That's why we need each other, that's why I need you and you need me.  God gives us the Bible, Words we can live by, not to restrict who we are, but to accentuate those qualites He gave us to show.  Our need, even if we can't recognize it, is to help each other develop those good qualities and to act on them, as a unit, interdependent on one another, to do the good deeds prepared in advance for us to do.

That's how it's structured in my mind.  I know it's just a concept that I hope everyone can relate to, I'm not trying to add to what God said, but I know there is a lot of His perspective that I am missing, and recognizing how I need someone else is, what I believe to be, one more step in truly loving other people, loving myself, and seeing thing's from God's perspective.

Words that translate to Action

My greatest problem right now I think, is that my words have grown stale.  I am able to say a lot of good things but when it comes to knowing how to act them out, that's where I fall short.

My thoughts have become pretty simple and short- go out and do.  Let my words translate into action.
Many times, I have seen people base their beliefs on words that justify easy living.  The desire to live naturally and comfortably is so great and so wrong that it translates deeply into people's core beliefs- justifying their actions with words that aren't based on anything but their own desires.

Frankly, I don't want to let that happen, I don't want to let myself settle for less even though I so often want my life to be naturally perfect, even though it's not.  I want my words to always convict me to do more.

That's just where I am right now. :)

Pinpoint

I'll be there for you, just let me have my own corner of the world- lest this world should fall. The least I can do is let my fort be held down.  What I am, and what I have been given. I could never have it all, I desire that too greatly.
I hold back my love, from everything- there are many times where I don't- but far too many times I do.  What makes a head believe it's bigger than the world?  What stops it from seeing the small part that we can play?  Aren't we all just waiting for someone to contain it all? To just have it all together? 

Well this is my life which is broken for you, into shards and fragments of all that I've been trying to become.  This is the man standing in front of the mirror and feeling lost for not seeing who he is in himself.  And another is the man who can stand in front of the world, and see all that he could ever need.  This is just who I need to be, because that is who I am.

Love

The whole reason I started writing was so I could get my thoughts down in a way I could remember.  It's amazing how often I forget just how simple living is, I always try to complicate it with life lessons and pretty much just a desire to coordinate who I am entirely.

It's love I want to live for though, a life devoted and arranged, not around fear or selfishness but simply love for my friends, family, and the people I encounter everyday.  If I fail because of my blind stupidity, I just want to be proud that I loved to the best of my ability.  Loved, not myself, but you.

Blindness

I learned today that life has a big picture plan for you.  All the time spent being miserable is time spent killing the things that make you miserable.  Experiences I would never ask to have over again because they were my choices, my mistakes.  They only create in me a hatred for the path I chose, inspiring in me a reason to never choose it again.

I want to see the world again, relearn how to live like I am not led by my emptiness.  To observe the world as it is, not as I want it to be.  I am also not meant to see the world as it could be or should be.  I am a scientist.  The world must be only as it is and I must learn to be alright with that.

Most of the time, when I sit and think- my eyes lose focus on the world and my head becomes the only thing I know.  I find myself only wanting, and through that, I only see the things I want.

This is blindness.

Gamechanger

A Nation of Christians dependent entirely on self/God motivation
If done right, we'll be the one's known for our love
If done wrong, we'll be less then we already are
It's God's powerplay, only the truly devoted will know Him
While the one's who don't care will do what they do
And fade into loveless obscurity.

He's all in, with us to win

And all we have to do is play.

For Keeps.

I think a very beautiful thing is turning from the ways that you grew up knowing.  Growing out of your natural self is tough, and because of that, faith seems to take your everything.  Which is a blessing I believe, because that is exactly what Jesus calls us to give.  It's very simple, very hard.  Love God with all your heart, soul and mind.  I pray that I devote my all to showing the love that God asks me to show.

We travel as Equals or not at all.

I wonder if God looks at us as equals.  Us and Him I mean.  Not in the sense that we are as strong or powerful or whatever, but truly as images of Him.  Then we got stained, we started taking that image and drawing all over it: putting little curly qued moustaches all over the faces He's given us.  Yea, we have nothing to add to God- but we have the greatest chance to exhibit Him.  To be a true representation of love to others, to help others develop the way they need to.  Not into other images of us but into the image of God they are intended to be.  I wonder if God is really cool with us doing that- if He's just fine with the people who don't choose to look like Him.  He is who He is so He can develop us into who we need to be.  We need to be who we are created to be, so we can help others do the same.  Just remember, we were not created to be sinful- only to have the choice to be.

Poems

Pangs of hunger set in when you see someone smile

They rake into you when you see a couple kiss

The deepest stirring you surely know

Only comes from an empty soul

You long to wear these emotions

In the way you've seen on tv

Real but perceived

You only know you want to feel it too

I want to smile like that

I want to kiss like I mean it

I want real

Cuz I know what I have is not.

Self image

Better than the rest.  All my life, that's what I've been told. I'm better than the rest.  Only through encountering people and getting to know them do I find that it's not true- I'm not better than anyone.  I'm merely the best at being me.  Such a juvenile concept.  It's a shame, even now, I attack my most important thoughts by plugging them as something everyone else already knows.  I've heard people say it that selfish way where they leave others to fend for themselves, and I've heard people say it like it's been a part of them all of their lives.  But do they live it out? No, you can say that what is said is true, but it's not real until you make it that way.  Have I seen someone consciously able to help anyone live their life? I don't think I have.  Friends just make it more bearable.  I certainly take my load onto my own shoulders.  Leave no other burden so that it can be shared.  I do it to myself, so no one sees me as weak as I am.  I don't know if I can say I have friends- only because I don't let them share in my pain.  The people that can help me don't, and I don't want to ask-  be the one to bear my load.

Step beside me as I drag my cross
Take some of the weight on your own
I would never ask it of you

Maybe I should help you

Maybe I'm not the best, maybe I don't know what's weighing on anybody's shoulders.  All that has fallen on mine is rather fuzzy as it is.  Love is a lift, not a bandage for a situation but a journey with no end.  No exceptions, no holding back.  I'm not gonna watch you as you take your cross to your hill.  At least, in the end, I won't want to say I did.

Make it real, please God, make it real.

Best is still what I want, why else would I hate people? Oh I can see the good in them, the good I could never grasp.  Best is what I hate, because it reminds me I'm not.

I'm editing this in, I must have lost my train of thought because I was going to give my example of self image related living.

There was a time when I saw myself as God's White Knight.  Hence my Alias.  I worked at summer camp, I said whatever I felt and my heart was so filled with concern and love and God's Word that I didn't think twice.  I just did.  That was awesome, then I found a million reasons to doubt myself.  My own desires started kicking in, I got too confident.  I thought I was allowed to do whatever I wanted because God was on my side.  I'm glad I was taught I was wrong, life has a way of doing that, you know, destroying you if you're not who you need to be.  Well, I was a White Knight because I believed it- once the belief left, I couldn't maintain it. So, self image I guess is about giving yourself a reason to believe something is true.

Like working out with the belief you'll get thin.  Studying with the belief you'll be smart.  Living for God with the belief you'll find love in Him.  Belief goes beyond what you actually think, it's inspired by what you know as well.  I trust that Christ knows what is best for me.  I'm working on believing it in my heart, with my life, my actions, my future.  Self image; maybe it's about just knowing your taking steps to accomplish what you believe to be true.  Self image; knowing you were made exactly the way you need to in order to do whatever you need to do.  And that's live.

Nothing's Perfect

Whether it's my view of a past experience or whether it's my intent for the day, I plan on it being perfect. I used to feel there was no reason for it not to be.  Might I just say that it's wrong.  To hope above all hope for anything perfect is simply hoping for the impossible.  It's probably more ineffective to strive for that kind of quality in life than to accept life for what it truly is. Which is imperfect.

Gloriously imperfect :)  And this day totally proves it for me.  It's better to allow yourself to be open, to be honest, to pursue truth! than to allow one false notion to enter your mind.  Any piece of information that you do not test but simply accept enters your mind and becomes part of a false foundation.  What you build off of it will never be stable.

So allow yourself to be seen as imperfect, seek the truth knowing full well that you do not embody it but you hope to someday.  Challenge the parts of life you do not understand, and seek to know them for what they are.  It is better for life to be imperfect, imperfect is real.  Though recognize that what is imperfect in you, longs for a change.

Consumption

I've spent a lot of time in my life seeking my own comfort- a stability that I lost ever sense the world started spinning.  I'm constantly seeking it, but never finding anything that lasts the way I want it to.  I'm a sinful man, and in the end (where I've sinned and received my "reward"), I've found life is not about comfort.  Not in the temporary sense at least.  I will compare the sinful to the righteous, the wrong to the right in my life.  Sin's great promise was to bring death.  That's exactly what it did, and what it does still.  What satisfaction does stealing bring over earning?  If you've earned something, no one can ever take that away from you, but what you steal satisfies no eternal longing, only the temporary hunger.  God promises that if we focus on the eternal (Him) He will provide the temporary and He will bless us with eternity. 

I'm not a big fan of impersonally sharing my own sins, but if you want to know, please ask, the greatest redemption story is how how every one of our own personal mistakes is used to help us grow.

Speaking of growing.

Growing a cultivated relationship.  I'm reading Matthew 13, which is the parable of the sower- Jesus talks about a sower sowing seed, and wherever the seed falls it seems, bad stuff always happens to it- except in the good soil.  So, whether it's rocks, or birds, or thorns- the seed that is the Truth is being choked out of our lives.  A cultivated relationship with God is one where we work the soil, God shows us the rocks, the thorns, the birds in our life by showing us where the seed stops growing.  This is where we need to till the soil.  Remove those problems from our own hearts.  It's a parable, not because you can take whatever you want from it, but because if you seek to know it, you will in time.  God cries out for us to seek him past the obstacles of our lives- the lies we have been told, only through treasuring what God says (His Word and the seed from the parable) can we ever find the good soil that it needs to grow in.

I felt lately like I need to organize and develop my thoughts more, so this is a product of that.  I did this for you!

Living

Life is for living- I want to live my life in a way that I actually live my life, follow my desires, interests, goals, basically my heart.  I feel like in a lot of ways, that is what life is, if you suppress yourself, to be someone else or just different, it's not really your life you are living.  I'm going to be honest, I'm interested in stories.  Not stories that are told every day; stories that are almost never told.  The story of who someone's been when they are at their worst- what they've learned, the feelings that have accompanied their own unique actions and thoughts.  How rare is it to hear the story of who someone truly is?  A lot of what I see is people only aligning themselves with the social norm, only opening up about issues that someone normal would have, only having pride in something someone normal would have- dealing with things in the "typical" way. Cliches, they've stuck because they work- but we aren't all just cliches, we are the cliche and then some- where the some is what makes us unique.

Despite the fact that we are not copies of copies, we pretend to be because that's how the world wants us to be seen.  I'm no different, this issue has been a struggle I've seen in myself over the years, I don't express individuality because it seems like it makes me too different from everyone else.  I'm afraid of showing who I truly am, because I feel no one understands, or worse, they'll tell me to be more like them.  Ah, what an awful habit I've picked up there, if someone has an issue I just tell them how to deal with it like I did. Rather then sharing how I dealt with it, I've seen that I want someone to take the steps I took to deal with pain so that I can have my own processes validated, rather than actually believe I could learn something from them.  I just want to say that we are NOT copies of copies. The whole conformist idea goes deeper, everybody conforms sometimes, either to the social norm, or to what has been deemed taboo by that norm.  Our desire for social living often hurts who we are as individuals.  It's the base we all feel comfortable being but then we also forget we are so much more.

I want to learn from other people of their success, of failures, of life and it's shame- we have the discomfort of who we are, we will always have that, but isn't that what drives us to change? Should we change? Or is that discomfort what keeps us from embracing who we are?

Life is not about reservation, it's about finding what is worth running hard after- or just running hard for it nonetheless.  People across the sands of time have frequently found things to chase, but they almost assuredly also find it's end.  At least, from what I've been told. I may talk like I know what age brings, but I haven't done the living it takes to get there.  I run many a fruitless race, but I have yet to commit to the one I know is worth running for. 

You know how when you drive sometimes, and you don't have anywhere to go- you just kind of take random turns and drive slow so you can look around.  That is what I see when I see reservations, no idea where to go so you slow down and try to find something just by looking around.  It can be fun, it can lead you places you never expected to go.  But without a destination in mind, you'll never actually get anywhere too far I feel.

I'm really not as intentional or organized as I could be.  Instead of living life managing the parts of it I do know, I live life to discover the parts of it I don't (I'm reserved for sure).  I'm often led by my feelings, (without direction) they lead me into unfamiliar territory.  Whereas the territory practical life has brought me is too familiar and painful- not to mention boring.  I figure I'd rather live following my feelings and going somewhere I've never been than settling for everything under the sun as it is.

Everything can seem so manageable in practical life, I'd rather strive after the wind.

For now, I think I've scattered the dots, I've followed paths of thought that not many people do.  I've had the intent of getting the bigger picture of my mind.  But, oddly enough, the more that I see, the more I forget the places I started in.  I find I've lost the dots I started with.  So life becomes pretty scattered, now the thoughts I have are based on the big picture, but I kind of forgot where I started.  Trying to connect the dots just leaves me confused.  I wonder if that's how people go crazy- following a trail of thoughts that lead you so far away that where you're at makes sense to you, you just have no idea how you got there.  I have backtracking to do, a real practical life that needs living, and a road that takes me farther into who I can be for God. If I forget who I was, I lose the big picture of who I am.

Sweet tea

Where there are many words, transgression is unavoidable.  It's a Bible verse, trust me.

But how much truth can be revealed!

I don't know how stupid this is, it feels like my few words always seem to have a heart of transgression.  But this transgression is only damaging to my pride, everything else could glorify God but shoot, if my pride is damaged, that's what I take away from the conversation. Albeit no more!  Wherever the center of the conversation is, that is what my thoughts should revolve around- and the center of conversation should not revolve around me (even if it's about me).  It is God who needs to be glorified.  Truth should be the intent of the conversation, truth should be the only point of conversation.  If you say something stupid, please at least let it be in pursuit of what is true.

I'm also going to add, maybe tomorrow when my emotion dries up and I can actually approach it unbiased, I'll add it. Yea.

Free

Way to paint a picture,

where the colors have dimmed with time-

like memories folded on the broken sidewalk. 

Your walls have failed to shine.  

Renewed, restored,

once again so matter-of-fact

What doors were closed so long ago,

you've found are coming back.

Here's a little bit of how I think.  After my other post tonight, I feel this one probably won't make sense, but here.  This one is about my mind.  Whether it's philosophy or logic or just the way everything fits together- I'm simply glad to see the whole picture sometimes.  Step back, take a breather, and just watch as the sun goes down.  How sad it has been before, of landscapes and dreams like the ones I've had burned in my brain, is how they fade away- either to distance or age or blindness.

I suffer from a very inconsistant mindset, I identify that there is a reason, yet I have no idea what it is.  I would say I'm bipolar.  Not that everyone doesn't have a good and bad side, I just seem to go back and forth rather quickly.  I find reasons to be in a good mood, if I can't, then I don't try to fake it, I just keep looking. 

But here is me taking a step back for a second.  Walking away from the poet in me, to approach a new vision, one where I'm not focused on the details to the point where perfection is lost in the mechanics of everyday living.  This life, this love, this picture is not visible through the eyes of a broken man.  Where I was born a conceptual man, love has been conceived in a tangible way.

That last line was a way of saying how I look too closely at who I think I need to be inside, that I don't do the outward things that God asks us to do.  I know I will never be perfect, I think a lot of people do.  But when I think about how my imperfection can be passed on, even uncomfortably seen, if I dare to act- well, that is what stops me from acting; that is exactly what stops me from being me.  The world is tough on imperfect, I just have to remember that the world was tough on perfect too.

Sorry

My science teacher was being mean one day as he yelled at one of the students who irritated him.  He said that you can't be sorry for something you did on purpose, otherwise you would have never done it.  If that's the case, I only have this to be sorry for.

I could say that I loved you enough

to be praying for your heart to heal,

I would be hoping just so badly that

that would actually have been true.

But sadly it isn't

and I thought I could

but the only heart I care for

is my own.

And that is what I am most sorry for.

Talk

It's night, and once again all I want to do is write.  Hubh, so many words I want to use but nothing real direct to say.  It's because life is so easily interpreted in so many ways.  I mean, so many people are just so eager to be different that we deny the things that make us all the same.  See, there is this idea that pops in my head whenever I write or talk, blog, whatever.  The thought is that I can't speak for everyone, which means I can't speak to everyone.

My own personal Babel.  I should probably pick a language and stick to it.

Temporal

The victory goes to the light in your eyes.



There are plenty of Bible verses that tell people to stop living in the temporal and to start focusing on the eternal.  In St. Paul's case, eternal refers to the Lord's work, where loving others and doing good to them will not only benefit them now, it will also pay off for the doer in the future.  I am a fine failure in the area of looking towards the future, my life is so set in the here and now that every effort I give must see results as in almost immediately.  Instant gratification, I'm sure everyone has heard the term before and for some set people, the words don't even apply to them.  But it's a curse to this generation; those who want the rewards as quick as the service.  Our minds are on an even more limited basis then the churches that St. Paul was writing to.

Temporal is a word used to describe anything temporary, things such as feelings, desires, or even life.  Eternal is used to describe God, love, and ideas- all things that are good.  Those are the things we should focus on.  Today, these words seem so simple and have been given a new meaning to me.  I guess I get overwhelmed a lot,  I start thinking about how much I will have to put forth in my life to truly reach the potential I feel I can.  I do this and I get scared.  It would take a lot of effort, a lot of time, a life lived without instant gratification would feel dry and painful.  I'm still scared to think about it honestly.  I'm so scared to write about how to make my life better and then force myself to actually go out and do it.  If there is ever anything that I know I need to do, I keep my mouth shut about it far too often. 

The church Paul was writing to was focusing too much on life in general.  Providing for their families, working for food day by day; not focusing on God and also not doing good things that needed to be done.  Good things not just to better their life, but to better the life of the people around them.  They were focused on working towards a goal:  it was delayed gratification, but temporal nonetheless.  It's a lifestyle the more "mature" in this world fall into, yes, their own selfishness is not necessarily the primary goal anymore but it is certainly a major player.  What if we were to act solely out of who we could be?  No focus on payoff or return or reaction, but just being with one hundred percent of who we are.  Fear comes in to play doesn't it?  We become afraid we are wasting time doing things of no importance, or we feel we are interfering with someone else's life.  Yes, we are to choose a direction we are to go, but what if that direction is toward God?  Toward doing every good thing that is prepared before you?  Your life would not be lived for time, because time means nothing, reward means nothing- all that matters is that good has been done, the Godly has been shown!

There is nothing of less importance than perpetuating the worthless.  And if all is temporary, then nothing really has any importance.  What dies is dead, regardless of the life it had.  So live your life to find that motivation that comes from knowing what is good and eternal and doing it, regardless of your temporary self.

Where the birds are...

Lately I have been noticing a big change in my demeanor, mostly because I'm allowing it out- instead of modifying who I am to suit what I think other people need from me, I'm being myself and moving along from there.

But today's lesson isn't about that at all, I have just been realizing over the last couple of days how important it is for me to ask questions of myself.  Most times I am a go with the flow person, and I end up paying a heavy cost for that- whether it's being unprepared or just getting outdone by those who are more proactive, I find myself settling to the bottom quite often while life passes over me. 

I will be honest with myself, I struggle to have many goals, with me being in chronic pain, my goal has always been to get rid of it, but after so many years, my goal seems unattainable and I feel I've stopped really pushing to find an answer, so I've just settled for an unreached goal.  I don't plan that often- possibly because my greatest failure is so personal to me that I've lost heart, or maybe it's because I'm just lazy- but I've stopped asking myself questions.  I'm stuck in a reactive mentality in a world where you need clear goals and a clear understanding of how to achieve them, and the flow just doesn't carry me quick enough to keep up.

I was thinking on my walk today (I actually named the post after a part of the neighborhood I walked in), and I was wondering why I get into the habit of  not looking forward.  I feel like it's because I'm rich.  All my needs are well supplied for- I have no reason to look ahead- whatever decision I make today, I can "afford" to pay the price tomorrow.  What a spoiled mentality that is!  And yes, I've always known I was spoiled, and I've been thinking about how rich I am lately,  but it's not like I have any idea of how not to be.  That's why I want to start looking ahead, not just by making decisions I know will help in the long run, but also by making decisions to accomplish a clear goal at a later objective.

Home

I make my titles by the first word that comes into my mind when I think of what I'm going to write about.  I got a call today from home, maybe that's why it slipped in, or maybe because, tday, I actually feel like I'm at home with myself.

Personal has been the word on my mind lately, and I hope I never forget the feeling that has come with it lately.  Let's face it, I've been feeling a little stifled for the past few months.  If you've ever been on the street and seen someone who does not look fine, and you ask them how they are, and they say "fine." Then you've been a victim of the culture we live in.

This is what I mean when I say fine.  "I'm not alright in my own eyes, but if you ask me to explain, I can't."  It bugs me to get personal with people, that's why I usually get personal with paper. There's nothing wrong with people, just too often, I've seen in them and myself that personal stuff is awkward and uncomfortable to deal with a lot of the times. Like Damien Rice says, "it's delicate," and when someone's willing to take that kind of care- it's hard to pass by.

I guess, the unorganized mind I've been allowing to breed inside of me iskind of spitting out thoughts in a crazy stream, but! I'm just glad I have it all down, see, this blog was intended on helping me communicate to other people what my thoughts are- but in actuality, my whole life has been arranged around how other people see me. Trying to set myself on the same level as someone else.  Frankly, that has been a mistake for me-  I am who I am, not someone else, and I want to know you for who you are, even if you don't want to know me for me.

Illustration

I want to remember this, for myself, because I love music.  I love passion, I love heart, and I know that these things are often the hardest things for me to express. I'm thinking of a flute player.  You can choose whatever instrument, I like to think of the flute though.  So this flute player has a desire in him to play music, but he's never picked up a flute before, you can hardly call him a flute player, except for his desire to be one.  He listens to professional "fluting" and he decides he wants to be taught by a professional "fluter," he wants to know what keys to press, what holes need to be covered so that he can make the noise his body longs to hear.

I long to do the same thing, but I long to play a different tune.  This world has no teacher for the symphony of feeling that I want to be able to release.  So I go to you, God.  I long for you my Teacher, to teach me how to tame my body like the mere instrument it is.  The instrument of my spiritual expression, my heart's push to be recognized for what it is.

This is super dramatic :) More of a journal entry than a blog- I just really liked the picture that my mind painted- how everything inside me may be the most beautiful symphony, my greatest song.  But if I can't "play" my body correctly- the world will never know how it sounds.

Push

There is no separation of church and state I believe.  If I look intently at how every decision is made, often, I am the one who caves under pressure to the fear of being in the wrong or to the fear that someone will lose respect for me.  All the while my own respect for myself is dwindling.

 I'm not standing up for what I believe here, I'm standing up for me. 
And the word church, I am using to refer to organized religion of any kind.

What I believe as a whole, changes, as well as it should.  With more information, the mind's perspective on many areas will grow.  I am Bible believing,  I believe in the Bible as God intended it, not as I have interpreted it.  I will always pursue the truth in what God gives us to see, I will always pursue the reason why what God asks us to do are the best things to do.  He promises us that if we trust in Him with all our hearts, He will make our path straight.  No one who hasn't trusted Him can say that is wrong, and even the people that have "trusted God" like me- well, we can hardly know the definition of that word as well as God intended. (1 Cor 8.2) And I often realize where I fall short.

So, as for church and state, I can tell you how that principle has no foundation in the Constitution, or I can tell you how it was only Thomas Jefferson's attempt to keep the nation from being ruled by any particular denomination or religion.  But the point I want to make here is the beliefs that we all have been forced to ascribe to, by the government.  Most arguing is just semantics anyway, but when you have a collection of beliefs that preclude another person's belief (i.e. allowing abortion when people disagree with it) there is going to be an obvious backlash.  See, it's not that I'm saying abortion should be eliminated by the government, that belief is for the church to follow, but in that same sense, what right does the government have to prohibit anything?  If they ban everything they believe will hurt the nation, the only reason they will accept or deny anything is based on a question that the church has to approach on a daily basis, what is beneficial to man?

So what results from this new coalition of mixed beliefs that is the government, is a belief system that is contributed to by almost all beliefs, but is not subject to any.  It is a religion in and of itself, it is the Church of America. 

It's amazing how their ideology has sunk into the minds of the unchurched in the nation.  The government openned up so many doors so that everyone would have the right to choose what belief to be subject to, and yet theirs is the one most people follow.  I personally feel that if the government were to be fully separate from the church, they would have to permit everything while everyone's own personal laws would be what limits there behavior.  I know this is impossible, not everyone has any laws.  But as a Christian, we are supposed to have discipline and prudence, being able to manage our own bodies in a godly way.  I am saddened by what seems to me is the contradiction that so many people stand by, separation of church and state is impossible what the government approves is not always what God approves, the government just doesn't want to be what limits our decisions- though in a lot of ways they do.

Anyway, I would love feedback from you guys- I will do my best to give a researched response rather than just an opinion- these are topics I want to learn more about, I don't claim to know anything about them right now, only what I see and how I see it.

Thought

You have bound yourself with your judgments, Christ came not to condemn you like you do yourself- but to show you that the chains you've bound yourself with can be loosened :)

Everything boils down

If I told a story, of things in my life, of how every second of it boils down to one tiny moment- one climactic conclusion- would you read it?  Would it appease your sense of wonder?  Would it satisfy that hole inside?
How could you ever go deeper in someone else's story? How hard would it be to read if your life was never so linear?

I'm not interested in the end of the story, I'm interested in the decisions that led up to it.
I want my happy ending! Not now, of course, but I want it nonetheless.  I want to read a story that shows me how someone finds that path to happily ever after.  I've seen far too many never find it.  I've even felt myself walk far from it.

I don't write about my end, I write about my beginning, my steps.  I don't want to show you a story of false hope, or one of confusing disillusion.  This is my life, I sound crazy sometimes, it just shows you how I struggle with being human- not knowing my end, not knowing if my end is worth reaching.

I wrote once, a phrase that often came to my mind "Lord, this is my life, which is broken for you."
A rip off of what Christ said at the last supper.  Now, I'm starting to think I know why He said it, why He did it.  It wasn't my broken life that I needed to hold on to, but Christ's broken body- His body that replaces my brokenness and fills my life with a little bit of perfect.  What it is, is mine to give up to. The more of me that I see is broken, the more I am able to choose Christ where it counts.

My life, my decisions and my "steps along the way."  They often show me where I've gone wrong- where I've strayed from my path to happiness.  That is my brokenness, and in turning to Christ, making my decisions with Him in mind, that is where my path becomes right. (Proverbs 3:5-6)