Wish

I have a wish for you

that you stay undefined

That you live your life outside of lines

And do your best to never mind

I have a wish for you

That you never give me something to hate

Never put in a box that which was made to be free

Never tell anyone that who they are

Is not who they are meant to be

 

 

You say that you want to see me happy, well all that I need is love.  Help me know that I can be loved. 

Just allow me once to feel like I can be alright being myself and maybe, just maybe, I'll feel comfortable enough to even get better.  It's easy to love someone, just help them be who they are.

 

 

I can tell you why I'm confused.  I look at God, I look at the world. And my identity is somewhere in between.  I long for myself to be so defined as to have a clear side in this fight. I long for good to come naturally- but no, it's evil that is easy.  It's good that I long to do.  Being caught right here in the middle is my living truth, my active fallacy.   Not quite the son of perdition I was born to be, and not quite the love of God I'm told is right.

 

I'm somewhere in between in this journey, and that's where I am.  I can't reach the end before I take these steps so someone, walk with me, please.



Did I mention I'm confused?

This philosophical talk is all circling around something I don't know how to say.  Maybe it's simply that life hurts me.  That I'm searching for something that doesn't hurt. 
There is an answer to life's burning questions.
I don't know it.

I guess it's only worth thinking about for those who are hurt by it.

Gone

Yes, it seems bad things have a tendency to come so naturally, cancer, disease, accidents.  All you have to do to is 'Be yourself' and the pain will find the cracks.  The good, on the other hand, must be worked for- whether it's a hard body, a brain, or just being able to tell a story.  Life cursed me for a while by blessing me with natural talent.  My goal now is unnatural talent because everything good I had just ran away.

Hear me out

Push.  You used to push yourself, harder than anyone else- in a direction you thought no one had gone before.  To figure depression out- to be the one that could heal the masses.  You were tired, even when you shouldn't be.  You'd go to sleep exhausted and open your eyes to the same tiredness that drove you to bed.

This is not fatigue, this is depression.  Fighting a losing battle all the time.  Yet it's such a better option to you than looking around and seeing no one fighting it at all.  Living life for what it is, people being awful and cruel and continuing to get worse.  Watch as we let it happen, watch as nobody cares enough to fight it.

It is too exhausting to want to change the world yourself, the more you burden yourself with duty, the less you are able to deal with it.  So do I recommend ignoring what you know in your heart needs to change? No, not at all.  Your heart longs for good, and all you know is this world isn't all good, even if it has been for you, you know there are many out there who are feeling the exact same way you were.  Misery is tough to escape.  It's not something you can shake off and leave behind.  It's always there for someone else to pick up.  It's always looking for another life to poison.

So lay your burdens down my friend. 

In the hands of someone you can trust-

if that's yourself, so be it,

but you'll drop it soon enough. 

You'll recover for sure, you'll try to dribble again. 

You'll fight till death overtakes you

before you see an end.

 

God longs for you to have rest in Him.  If you don't feel comforted in God's arms, you don't know Him.  The Bible, to me, has been inspiration lately, a goal of sorts.  I'm not Christ, I'm far from Him- yet He promises to carry my burdens if I take up a real relationship with Him.  He has taken my burdens.  I'm still in this fight, just with God by my side, or should I say "as my lead"? 

 

If you are burdened under God, that is not where you need to be- cast your cares upon Him because He cares for you.  That means we don't have to defend ourselves- not with God as our shield.  Knowing Him and knowing that what He says is true is the best defense to any unloving attack.

 

Wherever you go for comfort, that is your god.  Christ won't fail you- even when you feel He has, all things work out for the good of those who love Him.  The ultimate good, not the selfish good.  We are all people, and none should be bound by the chains of depression.  There is freedom to be who you are, found in God's word and exemplified by Christ.

Does anybody else but me get a little disturbed that we send so many missionaries who are more willing to go overseas and talk to people rather than help America, who has turned so far away from God?

I know it's a lot easier for people to go anywhere or do anything where they will feel more welcomed.  But America, I feel if America thinks they don't need God, why would anybody else?  It'd be just a matter of time before they get just as complacent as we are.

I watched the documentary "Happy" today.  I think it makes a concept that I've forgotten come back a whole lot clearer.  You don't need God to be happy.  I'm actually pretty sure that God doesn't exist for the singular purpose to make us happy.  There are many things that people can hold onto other than God that make their life feel complete.  So that is obviously not the purpose of God in our lives.

I would say that the purpose of God is to teach us to live and love right, but that is only a small factor of His existence.  The larger purpose of God is the simple matter of our existence.  We wouldn't exist without a Creator, and we continue to exist because of Him.  God is the only thing that will transcend past, present, and future.  He exists apart from our lives, eternally.  Nothing we hold onto on earth will last forever except for God (even if our perspective of Him is wrong, He is who He is, whether we see it or not). 

All forms of happiness without Him in the center are delicate, circumstantial.  Even if the only circumstance it's dependent on is the fact that you are alive to feel it.  Only one has conquered death, and without Christ, death is the end to any happiness.  Having a Christ centered life rather than an "I'm comfortable because of how my life is going right now" kind of life is based on knowing Him for who He says He is in the Bible.  Otherwise, most of what we try to do is turn God into who we think He should be, or what pleases us at the time. 

So read the Bible, and pray.  Seek a relationship with God like you do relationships with friends and family.  You don't know them, but you want to.  And if God is who He says He is, then we want to know Him- whether we feel comfortable doing that or not.

Selfishness

One beautiful thing about love, that I know has a tendency to scare me from it, is how it helps you see how selfish you are.  It pretty much straps you to a chair, pulls your eyes open and forces you to watch yourself as you behave like the idiot you never wanted to believe you were.  Well, that is life I suppose, and if you're willing to be in love, you must be willing to see the selfishness in you.  Otherwise, you're just going to be sad all the time.

Sadness stems from not getting what you want.  I've been sad for a very large portion of my life (one reason/excuse is I have a headache all the time- Lord knows I don't want that).  I feel like sadness has always been a tool people use on other people to make them do what they want.  I feel I've used it quite a bit too.  The worst part is that I've been using that technique on God,  yea I can use it on people- they could be wrong to not agree with me- but God?  If I claimed to believe and trust God the way I said I did, I would know that everything I've been given has been given to me because of the good that can come from it.  All things work for the good of those who love God.  If you love God, you will be given that opportunity to see where your selfish desires do not match up with the benevolent desires that God has for your life.

A very large portion of my life with God has been me admitting I'm wrong, but, on the other hand, the more important side of that is knowing what God wants for my life instead and doing that.  Then being able to say that God was absolutely right the whole time...

I've been in love, real physical love- I've treated people poorly as a result of my selfish desires.  I've treated people poorly on accounts where I was totally justified.  But I've been wrong to treat people poorly at all and accepting God's love and learning more about who He is; that is what has made me okay with letting my selfishness go.  God wants what is best for us, He fulfills the desires of our hearts in the way that we would never expect or be able to accomplish ourselves.  It may be selfish to go to God, but it's what is best for you and the people around you.  Do it for them too :)

"Why do you say, my people, and assert,

my children, that

'Our way is hidden from the Lord, and the justice due us escapes the

notice of our God'?" 

Is. 40:27 paraphrased

 

Those who wait for the Lord

Will gain new strength;

They will mount up with wings like

eagles,

They will run and not get tired,

They will walk and not become weary.   

Is. 40:31

 

Thoughtlessness

If I could say there is one thing destroying the Republican party, that translates into everyone's lives to some degree, it is thoughtlessness.  If I, personally, could link one word to thinking, it's depression.  Might as well throw in pain to that equation as well.  To some, probably the greatest minds in the world, thinking was necessary.  While critical thinking is a hard thing to do, like any other skill, it is important in learning how to process the world around you as your knowledge of it grows and as you grow to fit it.  I believe that as children, we often get the idea that we cannot increase our ability to think well.  I know that in school, I've often been presented a problem and if I can solve it, then I can solve it, but if I can't, then I can't.  For those lucky people who have problems in their lives, whether physical or emotional, this can be the greatest drive to think critically, because you never want to give up on the problem.  It is something that not only can't be solved currently but it also needs to be solved in order for you to function correctly. 

Necessity is what drives us to improve ourselves.  If I ever thought that I was well off enough (Physically, Spiritually, and Emotionally) to be comfortable living the rest of my days in peace, I would never think again.
Unfortunately/fortunately, I have been given physical pain, emotional pain, and a spiritual cup that must be filled constantly.  These three things are what drive our being and I am confident that it drives us in the direction we need to go, not with us as passengers, but as the driver who must think critically about these directions and know the destination they need to be going.

There isn't a second of my life when I am not thinking.  There are times when that is overwhelming, but there are times when that is the most glorious and satisfying part of my life.  There is a lot to process in this world and it is scary.  Our nation of comfort and plenty provides many distractions from the complications of life, so instead of being bombarded by problems, we are numbed by escapes.  This is just who we are, some take comfort in drugs when they have a problem that society doesn't answer, numerous addictions are a result of unanswered questions- it's just the most effective way we can conceive to deal with pain. 

A phrase appearing in the Bible numerous times while Jesus heals people is "your faith has made you well."  These people (the woman who touched Jesus' garment, lepers, blind men), they lived their whole lives searching for an answer to what their hearts were telling them were wrong.  Yes, these afflictions were physical, but can you imagine the emotional toll it took on them?  Yet they still pursued.  I don't need to imagine anymore how they felt when they were finally healed after all the years of pain.  I can honestly say I've experienced healing before where my physical pain has stayed, but my emotional state was one I considered pure joy.  I have that now, I can say confidently that the reason is Christ in my life.  Not the Christ that I grew up hearing about on Sundays, but the Christ that I have dedicated my life, my free time, my work time, my nighttime, and my daytime to.  I say it like it was entirely a forced decision on my part, but it wasn't entirely.  When I would hear or read from the Bible something that Christ says to be true, but isn't me-  I knew how I could never and would never choose to be that on my own.  The only thing I could do is trust Christ when He says that He is "transforming our minds in ever-increasing glory."  I would pray that He would change my heart, often times I wouldn't always trust He would, but I stuck around.  The more I dedicate my life to knowing Him and trusting he is who he says he is.  The more the darkness in my life that I've been trusting to Him just goes away.

Go to God with your questions, your darkness, your pain- He will always turn it into a good, even if that good means you are giving up all your free time just to focus on Him.  Or if it means He is holding out for more of you (so you can have more of Him)  "Follow me," Christ says, and believe it or not, it  is a good thing Christ calls us to give up everything to be disciples.  All the disciples did for three years was follow Christ, and they didn't really understand what was going on until Christ died.  But they were transformed! They became more than just fishermen or tax collectors, they became who God created them to be!  The same person they always longed to be but couldn't define without God! We are going to be in doubt too, but doubt is the greatest thing that can drive us as close as we need to be to God to get the answers our hearts long for, and to be the people he made us to be.  It will take as much as you can give to Christ to deal with the thoughts He has put on your heart, and you will have answers, and there will be many in life who need them. As you can see, our country is in such desperate need of answers, but that only means it is desperately in need of a relationship with Christ who is the one who can help heal our eyes so that we can see the
answer.

I will say that the typical approach to Christianity is not a cut and paste answer though.  The Bible is true, as a whole, and is not meant to be broken up and spit out for our own purposes.  The change comes in the heart as you learn more about who God is, true Christianity is a change of the heart.  I just encourage you to learn more so your life can be satisfied and your life can be changed.  So that when your spirit is satisfied, it is then that you know you have an opinion God wants the world to hear.  Proclaim it from the rooftops, he says :) Right now I'm only comfortable with a blog, but someday!

Love! (and learning what that means)

Luke

Funny thing today was, maybe I'll be able to start writing more about days like these.
Well, election news has certainly inspired me to learn more about my views in a hope to be able to share better with others in an intelligent way.  Right now, I do admit most of what I know is based on my Christian beliefs (which are more than enough for me, I would just like to know more of what's going on)

I've been waking up lately, early, with the quiet of the morning to still my mind.  I grab my Bible next to me knowing that my mind goes to bad places as early as the sun rises- that is unless I have a place to put it- a place I know I can trust.  No, I can't say I did it out of fear- never have I felt close to God when I only do what I feel I'm supposed to without good reason.  I believe fear to be a very, very bad reason. 

So I had a good start, I drove to school after that and, as I pulled in, saw the flags at half mast.  A smile came to my face when my mind jumped to the idea that the reason was due to the election results, but then I stifled it when I considered that there may have actually been a tragedy overseas.

I went to Psych class and spaced out- my mind can only focus on love, what it means to me, how to convey it, and how God defines it.  I pick up some good ideas in Psych because God made the brain.

I got to hang out after class for a bit with a friendly girl I met who is in my Genetics class as well, we talked well together, I was anxious for someone to help me vent my post-election thoughts and she listened very well.

After that I headed to Genetics class, my intention was to sit near this kid who is uber non-talkative, I like that- silence isn't awkward for someone who can live in it.  Unfortunately, I miscounted the row he was sitting in so I ended up fighting my way to the middle of the row in front of him.  I sat down anyway.

This is half my day- not even- ask me if you ever want to hear the rest- I just wanted to do a writing exercise

Election 2012!

To the Christians,

It is not the government's job to do our job.  While it would make it easier for us to stay silent if the greater power of the nation upheld our beliefs, we have to accept that that is not the case, nor should we depend on it to bind the hands of people who don't believe the same as we do.  We have chosen to serve Christ with our lives, under the freedom to choose which Christ so freely gave us. To those not free from their sins, Christianity has become a doctrine of slavery.  It is seen, not as liberating, but as stifling.  How can we convince someone to follow Christ if they are still enslaved to the world?  Like Christ says, "you cannot serve two masters," and we can't make them serve God if they are serving themselves.  What we can do is what Christ calls us to do, and that's devote our lives to God, to loving Him and learning to love others by showing them who He really is.  God is not a God that forces us to serve Him, we willingly choose to put Him in the center of our lives.  If that is not the case then our hearts our far from Him, so Christ says that if that is the case, and a real relationship with Him wasn't pursued, then He will look at us the same way and say "Leave. I never knew you."

Christians should not be interested in physically changing the behaviors of people who do not know Him.  Christians must take on the responsibility of having a relationship with God that causes others to hunger for the love we have to offer.  I know how hard that is.  I know how hard having a real relationship with Him is, but getting to know Him through the Bible and trusting that He is listening in prayer means that we must always take the opportunity to actively allow him into our lives.

Love!

Luke

I am confident to know now that the hardest situations can produce some of the best people.  Something I've struggled with for quite a while is maintaining my faith in God during the hard times in my life.  I feel like the American culture of Christianity, or at least my perception of it, leads me to believe that if I'm not "happy," God is not happy with me.  That is not true.  If I am not happy, I'm probably in the process of growing closer to Him.  I can either embrace that opportunity or not. I can either draw closer to knowing Him and only Him, or not.  Faith is believing, despite how you feel, and the feeling comes from knowing who God is- which may or may not happen, but faith is pursuing Him, even through the times of struggle.

I know that I can only give my all to Him, and that means giving my free time to learning His will for my life- even though I hurt, I know His will is good.