My genuine heart has lashed out at the ones who have loved me and the ones who I've loved, my writing has mainly been a way for me to try and control that, explore it, and keep it from happening again, but I've found, writing doesn't change my honesty, sometimes it gives me perspective, but most of the time I can't even say for sure that what I've said has any bearing in reality, they are just words, and yes, sometimes I need to vent, but I also need to know if what I'm saying is just air or if it has any substance for real.
I get frustrated feeling like I can't accept the world's purpose. I can't be happy with school, I want to be, just like I want to be happy trying to pursue a perfect body, a perfect job, and a perfect wife. I just honestly know there is more, and honestly have no idea the right way to pursue it.
Okay, maybe I do feel like I know the right way, I know the way that involves me giving up my expectations in this world, I know the way that involves me giving up my comfort. I know the God way. I know Christ as the Way. Even now I'm praying and thinking of what my day is going to be about and I've decided, it isn't going to be about me, but honestly, if it is ever going to truly be about Christ, there is a lot of me that He needs to touch. I want to trust Him to make me honestly better, not forced, I will look at Him and pray to become more like Him, but most of all, I will trust the honesty in me, the spirit, and believe and trust I have been given what I ask for, even though I still feel so human.
