Lies (Climbers)

I know I can get confusing when I want to say something, a lot of times it doesn't come out clear until someone asks questions so they too can understand.  I really hope you all ask away at this, because I think it is a really cool idea that I had this morning in Prayer. 

Being made righteous does not mean being made perfect, perfection is Christ, and we are not Him, we can be godly though.  Being made righteous through the blood of Christ is, to me, like returning to the path to the top of the highest mountain that I had been searching for again all of my life.  Pretty much the second after I was born I started behaving in a way that does not glorify God, but instead, my intent was to draw attention to myself.  This I feel was my first sin, my first step away from the right path.  Though it did instil in me a memory of what it was like to be on God's intended path, and that's what I've been searching for again with all of my life.

The word sin, I've been told, comes from the term used by greeks for missing the target.  The target in this case is showing the proper love that God intended.  A lot of people have said- and I've heard this is Gandhi's, but I only found it as an ancient chinese proverb- that there are many ways up the same mountain, but only one view from the top.  For a long time, I've thought life is just about the climb, and I'll get to the top eventually.  Turns out that mountain is more like an Escher painting though and no matter how much I climb, I just end up where I was before.

That's living life off of God's path though.  I use the Bible to help me know what the right path is, but I've also looked at the Bible and found I'm not reading it right, like a map that's upside down or something.  I think one of the greatest comforts for me is knowing that I have a Shepherd who is always calling for me to come find the right path again. Jesus says He is that Shepherd, and either you believe Him or you don't.  The thing is, He also says once you are part of His flock, He will never allow the evil one to snatch you out of it.  That's a comfort because, like I said, I often read the map wrong.  Whether I'm pursuing a shiny object, or just trying to find where the next step is, my eyes and ears often deceive me, or should I say they are deceived?

Yes, the Devil is becoming more and more real to me as my time here in Savannah goes on.  It's funny how so often I can feel like I'm on the right track only to find out that I am not treating someone with love, or I'm becoming boastful and arrogant- even complacent.  When I look back at how I got there, I think the biggest lie I believe is that I'm lost only because I took a wrong turn somewhere.  For me to finally realize though, that it's also been a misdirection on the Devil's part, however subtle, has shown me that there is also a constant fight to stay right, not just a constant fight to find what is.  Yes, I am still part of God's flock, the blessing of that is having an eternal home in Christ, but it is also in coming to realize I'm lost in this temporary home as well.  Doing things that are not righteous in the Lord's eyes, He let's me know I am lost because I have been led away, I have been stolen, and I need the Bible to show me what went wrong, and I need Christ to lead me on the path. 

How scary is it though? When people think of religion as a way to get to the top of the mountain, the top that is perfection.  I learned a long time ago and I'm sure many did too, that, even with the Bible, no one is ever going to be able to interpret it exactly the way God intended it to be interpreted... though the Bible does say we have been given the mind of Christ...  It's tough to leave yours behind.  I thouroughly believe a Christian's goal should always be the top, I believe we are always going to be humbled by our humanity though.  So God will always be worthy of our praise, so that we see Him for the perfection He is.  How about this?  God is the mountain.  We are made righteous through belief in Christ (who is the top) and we are saved by the confession of our mouth that He is Lord.  We become part of God's mountain.  Yes, we can get lost on this mountain, but as long as we are aware of the top- focused solely on Christ- at least we will be climbing the right mountain.  The right mountain, I say that in the full belief that there are many others- others that claim to have the same view, or even a better one, but just like the chinese proverb, no mountain has the same view.  And I most certainly have faith that Christ was given a full view for all of us to strive for.

The Devil still wants to lead us away though, a Christian is so much more effective the closer they get to the top.  While many people are climbing up their own paths to their own mountains, I feel, the Devil has no need to distract them.  I have found that everyone else may look like they are accomplishing so much more, or climbing so much higher, but they are climbing up the wrong mountain- the one the Devil has led them to.  I find myself selfishly taking pride that, at least I can say I'm on the right one, but still, what evidence is there in my life? I'm not accomplishing what I can if they are still climbing higher than me! I'm leaving the path far too often... or I'm standing still... I'm afraid that my next step will lead me off God's mountain, which is impossible! I can't allow that to possess me, the fear is what makes me stand still and cling to the path, the lies are what take me off the path when I am walking.  Why not fight only the Father of Lies? Why not focus on the truth that God has, and see the Devil for what he is trying to do to me?  Forever I need to be focused on you Christ! Forever I need to be focused on loving you, my friends!  Salvation brings you to God's mountain,  The Bible show's you the path, and Christ is the Shepherd that is calling you to the top, where his life was the example of the pinnacle of love.  The Devil will try to call you off that path but honest prayer for God's protection is what makes him shudder, and what keeps you aware.  I pray that no one looks at me and sees me as higher or lower than where they are, we are all sheep and we should stick together :)  I pray I also don't judge anyone's position either.  I am not the mountain, and I can promise you, I'm far away from the peak.  But I can still point your eyes to the highest part of the skies, and traverse this hike with the best of friends :) Stay true!

I pray that all eyes

can first look and then see,

the tallest of points

on the tallest of peaks.

While I am yet far

from the goal that I seek,

I'll look to that top

Instead of my feet,

and point to the height

Where the climbers shall meet.

Lies (the Spark)

This is actually the thought I had that sparked two posts today...

Lies!  So many people look at the glass as half full, so many people look at the glass as half empty.  The glass is what it is though, isn't it?

The second you are focusing on either half, it's like you are diminishing the importance of the other!  I can comfortably go through life labeling things as half full- but say "Hello!" to my rose colored glasses.  Nothing is what it is in this world after it's been subjected to whatever tint or spin you put on it.  Equally I can say that if you focus on the half empty part, your view is equally stained. 

Maybe our eyes aren't supposed to look and see what is or isn't there.  Maybe they are supposed to look and assess what benefit the object can be to you.

Like a half full glass can satisfy your thirst, but the half empty part allows room for ice, or more drink.
Instead of listing positives and negatives, maybe I can become more aware of opportunities to make even things that are seemingly negative, work for some kind of benefit :) What do you think?

Gifts

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?  Matthew 7:11

So, yesterday I was invited to Panera Bread (restaurant) to do Bible Study- the same day I wrote of my desire to implement Impulse control.  Yes, I believe as well that this had to be some cosmic joke because, while I did not purchase anything, my friend picked up a plate of like ten muffins for six people.  We were expecting more, but everyone took comfort in saying that it's not a problem, if no one else shows up they said I could easily take care of the rest.  Which is true, Apple Cinnamon Muffins are amazing.  But yet, I resisted! I had one muffin at the beginning of Bible Study and fought my desire to have another for the rest of the time, like actively fighting too, I couldn't concentrate on anything anyone was saying. 

Finally, there was one muffin left, and I couldn't help myself anymore, I asked if anyone else wanted it, then I took it, and walked it over to another table where I asked the guy there if he wanted a free muffin.  A small victory was mine! I was rid of temptation, not by my own means but by implementing Christ's command in my life.  And it was such a feeling to, which I suppose it was selfish to an extent, but I still did it! I gave of my excess, not because I saw any particular need, but simply because I had more than I should.  Often times, what stops me from giving is the thought that I do not have any clue what anyone else needs- or that I don't have anything anyone else wants.

Both of those are lies, it is not in my eyes to see what other people want or need, it is all in God's, and if I recognize what I need and give of the excess- that is an excellent start.  My goal is to give even what I perceive I can't, knowing that the Lord will provide, but I definitely want to get in the habit of giving first.  Just that feeling of giving; of not worrying about image issues like whether they liked it or not, it was so worth it just to give what I could- to show my love that goes deeper than an object or a smile.  It was just doing what I could do, rather than what I had to.

I think this lesson is going to make my Christmas extra special, and I hope my gifts can be extra personal, because I know at least the sentiment behind them will be :)

Impulse Control

Long before Thanksgiving, long before any particular feasting, I've known that I consistently give my body exactly what it wants, exactly when I want it..  My advice for today, particularly for myself since no one really reads this yet, is to observe what I am calling "Impulse Control."  Often times, I hear other people talk about something called self-control, but to me, words like that seem kind of vague.  Like, you can try to be self-controlled, but if you don't know why or what it truly means to be self-controlled, then you aren't doing it efficiently.

So my definition has been formed based on my newly discovered habit of stress-eating.  Or in the Biblical sense, what my understanding of gluttony is.  I am far away from home, struggling to find a decent job, or even the desire to find one.  I have a considerable amount of money in the bank and a whole lot of free time.  My greatest enjoyment right now is eating, but at a very heavy cost to my health.  I am gifted with a high metabolism, which is super easy to take advantage of.  But after being on a vegetarian diet, then switching to one of processed foods and protein, I have immediately felt the effects.  Moodiness, bloating, gassy, depressed, and overall much more insecure and nervous.  Such is a common problem with me (except for the gas and bloating) so I know there is more to my problem than just who I am naturally.

Through my life, I've come to find that my idea of self-control is incomplete, that's where the concept of impulse control has been helpful.  It's more like a subcategory, but it is definitely what I have found to be missing.  I'm probably missing a lot more too, it's just helpful now to have a concept to work on and practice to help me move closer to my goal.  These impulses that need controlling are basically just primitive desires that I have gotten into the habit of satisfying instantaneously, the second I see a bagel, I want it, I eat it... I regret it. Mostly because I had three bowls of cereal beforehand.  Impulses are just that, an unnecessary desire that pops into your brain because you think it can satisfy you, how often does it though?  For me, it's usually the first time- like a tease, I enjoy it very much, and then no other time compares to the same satisfaction.

So controlling a few factors have been on my wish list for this month.  My goal is to not have junkie stuff around, to plan my entire meal at least the day before, and even when one of these impulses come up, I just have to recognize what it is, an unnecessary desire, aimed to satisfy my weak heart rather than tend to it's needs.  So those are a few things that came naturally to me when I saw what I needed to do.  Thanks for reading! I hope this thought helps :)

A long time

I'm letting my life into this page a bit, most of my name's for posts and even the name of the blog are just the name's that come to me when I think of one.  Sometime's I stop and realize why I named it that way.  My blog is named "A long time." I just realized why.

Twenty one years old and everything in my life feels like an eternity too long.  I've suffered from extreme mood swings.  I constantly try to fight myself out of the proverbial box that is depression.  If any one of you know how that feels, raise your hand.  I've been told everyone does, I think what the worst part is though, is still feeling like I'm going through it alone- not even always because no one's there for me. Mostly because I don't allow anyone to be.  

The hand I've been dealt, from left to right is fantastic, it's just the one card I complain about.  I have a great family; I realize that more and more now that I'm far away from home and uncomfortable in a whole new way.  I have a blessed life, where blessed is a synonym for spoiled. And I'm surrounded by people who all say that they care for me.  My one card is chronic pain.  I was diagnosed with brain cancer at the age of nine, I had surgery to remove a large portion of it, and I have since had a chronic headache for twelve years.

I sleep with it, I move with it, I think with it, I breathe with it.  It's the one that controls me, it's been with me a long time.  I struggle to have fun, and when I do, I obsess over it, I never want it to go away.  It's my one escape from myself.  Fun is very hard for me to have and searching for it only results in more pain, to the extent that I wouldn't know what was enjoyable even if I found it.

This isn't a plea for pity, it's not a cry for help.  It's an attempt to relate to someone, anyone who suffers the same way or even worse, I want you to know that I never want you to feel alone, you never deserve that.  I'm trying to eat right, exercise, live.  I'm trying to find a way to get better.  Drugs never helped, and even if they had, I'm not sure if that kind of life would be considered better.  People can make it better, just knowing that they are trying to understand, or in some rare cases, even do understand, makes me feel like there is something about this cross that is worth bearing. I feel everyone deserves that much.

 Thank you very much for reading, I'm glad you know more about me, and now I know even more about myself.  Have a nice day :)

Thanks giving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Thank you so much for the love you have!

Abundance

How many of you have ever dealt with having too much?

Well the grocery store had a special where I could get free milk if I got four cereals; I like to eat organic :) So I got four cereals and my free milk.  Not to mention I had a box of cereal at home already.  Abundance! Cereal is abundant.  But when I do not have cereal, I've been eating mainly vegetables, I've been feeling full and satisfied even despite the not-so-strong taste. But now I have cereal, and last night I wallowed in my abundance, I had so many bowls of cereal I'm down about an entire box and a half!

I know this is not necessarily the worst thing I can engorge myself with, but I still definitely feel the effects of that certain lack of self-control.  The thought of myself being a lazy, over-consumptive American has basically been verified right here and now.  Which there is nothing wrong with consuming a lot, I feel, as long as you can be productive with it afterwards.  Like, there is nothing wrong with being obsessed with sports, if you are trying to make the game better and safer and stuff, but if you just take that knowledge and grow "fat" with your indulgence, there is definitely a problem.

I long to be productive with what I consume, though what we do with our lives often has no substance.  Yes, I brought "we" into this, mostly because I don't want to feel alone, and I don't want to just be talking about myself.  You are my readers and friends! I really hope that you have substance in your life, but let's face it, this is America! Where television is one of the greatest abuses of time and resources ever.  We have so much directed at pleasing ourselves, we get no lasting effect but the memory of what it felt like to be high. And, in turn, the present feeling of being o so low.

Such is life.  I woke up this morning asking myself if I could possibly be bipolar.  I think I just answered myself in that last paragraph.  My emotions are constantly going up and down.  Whereas I am not searching for true substance but instead, that natural high, the one that comes from just indulging in abundance with no substance, and consumption with no production.

All is Fair

All is fair in love and war, but which is this, love or war?

All of us have a heart worth fighting for, most people are admitted lovers, not fighters though.  Who's gonna be the one to fight for anyone's heart anymore? Especially when it goes against their own?

Today was a development in conflict resolution, while the conflict is not yet resolved- I'm definitely closer to having an answer to why we should fight.  Bear with me please while I try to explain what happened this morning.  During Bible Study, my friend asked what I read, I told him I read in Deuteronomy. A great book, in my opinion, about why we are to love the Lord, and I had felt particularly happy with my time in it.  He immediately said sarcastically "sounds exciting" and when I tried to explain to him why I loved it, He continued to stand by his decision that it wasn't worth reading, and in that case, showed it wasn't worth listening to me.

I'm definitely not trying to sound super sensitive here, but I am.  I hate not having my opinion respected, and hate makes me hurt.  I felt I had to stick up for the fact that when someone doesn't try to understand what is important to someone, they are acting foolish.  That's why I called him a fool.  Now, as you can see, this created some tension, at a Bible Study.  Which is, in my opinion, the best place to get into a verbal dispersal.  A good friend of ours though, told us how it was, that love was definitely not being shown by either of us.  It's good to have friends like that. The whole day I focused on how I should have said what I said better, but I am really glad I got it off my chest, though I was bummed I hurt my friend's feelings.

The whole point of that was to show how I let my heart get in the way of fighting for his.  Instead of looking to understand him, I looked at what he said as a direct attack at my dignity.  And he, in turn, looked at me the same way.  What I have to admit is that I did, and still have, no idea where either of our hearts were wrong.

I started this blog as a direct way for me not to feel like I am disregarding any input someone might have for my life.  As much as I hate being told what to do, I really would like to hear what people see and suggest.  And as I've found today, though I do not understand why mine or anyone's perspective is wrong, I do need to pursue an understanding of it, just like I need to pursue an understanding of God's.

It's getting super hot here, I don't think I got my point quite across, but let me know what you think.  I would super love to here what you have to say.  Thanks for reading!

Fortunehearted

Hi everyone,
I am 21 years old, often times credited with a double dose of teenage angst still surviving inside, I'm taking a small break from school, hoping to cleanse that from me.

So, I know I'm starting a blog so people can hear some of the things I struggle to say. For a long time in my life I've been passionately avoiding any kind of outspeaking, mostly so no one can judge me and tell me I'm completely wrong, which a good portion of the time I am, I just don't say what I think, and don't learn. But...
The good news now is I want to learn!

So my dear readers, I first want to thank you for coming to my page.  I want to treat you all with the utmost respect, on this page and in this world- thank you sincerely for reading- I strongly hold to my desire to contribute to your well-being, and I pray that you too can help me establish that.

A large amount of my thoughts and posts will be related to my knowledge of God, who is Love, and is the only good thing in this world.  If you choose to see differently, please know that I do believe God is good, but the limit and the definition of the word I will never know.  Though I will hold to my desire to find out, and I long for you to join me.

Sorry if that sounds dry and impersonal, writing is a place where I would like to develop my love for you all- away from the chaos of my own mind.