It gets to the point where I begin to wonder if everything I have to say is all just words,
and then I begin to know it is
All just words trying to wrap around some unseeable object. Does anybody else feel the same way? like what we are looking at is a bubble? Just emptiness surrounded by a mass of liquid where without it there'd be no shape. A poet, a poet wraps words around like a decoration. A poet sees the life inside the bubble, or a poet is really good at pretending there is. A scientist; a scientist describes a bubble, but does he look at where it is going or where it has been?
Sometimes my words give shape to nothing, by which, I mean there is nothing to give shape to. My words are cast and they fall flat, they cover no boundary to the shape of this world, they touch no air and suffocate themselves and fall dense, in line with all the ocean of lies that never needed to be. I believe people love to throw words out into the world, I myself love to do it, to try a new brand of honesty and see how the world weathers it. Where do my words stand, where do they fall? Where do they give shape to the truth and where do they just lie flat?
Or how about entering a world where there is no shape, where to live means to hide from fear- to live far from what is real, to live far from what can hurt the most. A life with no shape.
And then what if the shape is our mind? Rather then the shape being some truth, the root to existence, what if the shape is our mind and all our words do is cloud it and cover it, hold and discover? The less words, the less cover. The less we discover, the faster return to instinct. Instinct, instinct has a shape, there are no words yet there is cause and there is effect. There is shape in this world. There are two, the inside and the outside, there is the mind and there is reality. Do words cloud reality so we cannot see with the mind? Hardly. There is but one solid shape! There is only one that survives the onslaught of words thrown at it day in and day out. There is but one shape our mind should not rather pursue but reflect. The truth of cause, the truth of effect. Wherein the formation of this reality has been founded not in survival, nor in greed or lust or desire at all for what did the earth desire when it was born?
The earth does not exist to keep, the earth exists to give. What a wonderful shape that is!
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Here
Desire is a dark chasm, I need someone who can stand on the edge of it (and not fall in).
This world is losing touch with it's heart, And those who have gained a heart have often sacrificed their brain. Unfortunately, we have been born in a world where certain actions work at achieving our goals and certain actions don't. If everything worked to express how we feel, it would be so much easier to follow your heart, but anyone who has done so has found that following your heart often creates a larger mess than your good intentions would have asked for.
We live bound by reality, action/consequence, birth/death. The first we embrace, the second we try and escape. Those who have opened their heart have found that vulnerability leads to pain. Which is true, but only partially true. Vulnerability only leads to the possibility of pain. We open our hearts, we get stabbed. We throw our pearls before swine, they get trampled. How often does this lead to people keeping their treasures to themselves? Now that we've hidden our hearts, it is our brain that we depend on, this logical mind, where survival comes first and we are lost in desperation of the want to never feel pain again. Don't you live in fear of hurt? True hurt, not like "I work, I get the job done" kind of hurt but the hurt that comes from knowing who you are and seeing it rejected by the ones who you love most. I doubt you've never felt that way, first girlfriend? Disappointed father? Doing your best and just that not being enough, even though cliché tells you it is okay (to do your best), clichés are just words we try to repeat so much we believe them, they aren't what we believe naturally. Our heart is natural, it dictates to us what we think and feel, Not as a product of rational behavior but as a simple reflex. It is a reflex that gets trained, sharpened by mistakes. Like the mouse that gets the electric shock while going for the cheese. Some learn not to try, others learn that they'll have to think about it, learn where the hurt is coming from. You want what you want, figure out how to get it. I agree, if something hurts you while you are doing it, it isn't worth doing. But if you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to get it where the benefit of obtaining is so much greater than the cost.
It's efficiency, it always has been, we follow our hearts to our desires, we use our brains to achieve it efficiently. No part out of balance, no machinery out of whack. Fear doesn't dictate what is worth having, it just dictates how much effort you will put in to get there.
This world is losing touch with it's heart, And those who have gained a heart have often sacrificed their brain. Unfortunately, we have been born in a world where certain actions work at achieving our goals and certain actions don't. If everything worked to express how we feel, it would be so much easier to follow your heart, but anyone who has done so has found that following your heart often creates a larger mess than your good intentions would have asked for.
We live bound by reality, action/consequence, birth/death. The first we embrace, the second we try and escape. Those who have opened their heart have found that vulnerability leads to pain. Which is true, but only partially true. Vulnerability only leads to the possibility of pain. We open our hearts, we get stabbed. We throw our pearls before swine, they get trampled. How often does this lead to people keeping their treasures to themselves? Now that we've hidden our hearts, it is our brain that we depend on, this logical mind, where survival comes first and we are lost in desperation of the want to never feel pain again. Don't you live in fear of hurt? True hurt, not like "I work, I get the job done" kind of hurt but the hurt that comes from knowing who you are and seeing it rejected by the ones who you love most. I doubt you've never felt that way, first girlfriend? Disappointed father? Doing your best and just that not being enough, even though cliché tells you it is okay (to do your best), clichés are just words we try to repeat so much we believe them, they aren't what we believe naturally. Our heart is natural, it dictates to us what we think and feel, Not as a product of rational behavior but as a simple reflex. It is a reflex that gets trained, sharpened by mistakes. Like the mouse that gets the electric shock while going for the cheese. Some learn not to try, others learn that they'll have to think about it, learn where the hurt is coming from. You want what you want, figure out how to get it. I agree, if something hurts you while you are doing it, it isn't worth doing. But if you want something bad enough, you'll find a way to get it where the benefit of obtaining is so much greater than the cost.
It's efficiency, it always has been, we follow our hearts to our desires, we use our brains to achieve it efficiently. No part out of balance, no machinery out of whack. Fear doesn't dictate what is worth having, it just dictates how much effort you will put in to get there.
As it is Written
It's been a long time that I've retreated from this world, a long time that I've wanted more from it. But life it culminates, and the worthlessness that came before comes out of darkness into a newer light. I know abstract is going to be the death of us all, imagination is going to be where we go when we realize just how bad this world has gotten. I'm not going to make any excuses, that is a lie. All you'll see is excuses, but now, all I see is every good reason to leave this dead world to be buried. By it's own dead.
If you've ever had pain, tell me a time when you haven't felt alone?
I tell you, I look at the world as it stands teetering, creaking with the early aging that comes from incompetent building. I suffer because this place is my house. People standing around making due, like that is all life is, and the same people talking to the younger generation like keeping it together is what their life must be about as well. "Maybe that is wisdom," I tell myself, but something inside me screams that it's a lie. This disaster isn't mine, it is an inheritance that none would ever ask for. Twenty Trillion dollars of debt?! Why wouldn't I ask for abstract? For too long life has been about denying the inevitable, for fear of it. The same reason I live in the abstract, for fear of reality. A reality that isn't mine yet is being forced upon me. One thing the abstract has helped me realize, helped me come to terms with. I have wants. I have greater desires than this flimsy social structure could ever allow, lest it come crumbling to the ground under the strength and power of this new spirit.
The abstract has taught me ambition in a world that does not allow for my brand of desire. I now ask of myself how do I make these desires into a reality? I do not believe that it is a waste of a brain to begin imagining, I do believe it is the purpose of dreaming to direct the path of reality, so where shall my reality begin? I will not allow it to be formed on the paths of destruction this world has endured for so long. What if you find yourself asking one day, how far have I come? What have I done? Is this world better because of me?
Will you ask yourself these things or will you take pleasure in knowing that you got your white picket fence, you had your two and a half kids and you suffered your dead end job for your quiet wages and your sense of "accomplishment"? Don't you see what has been left to us? How do you expect us to hide from this decline?
I want this world to collapse on our heads. The suffering of just knowing it is going to happen and the waiting for it to begin has been preparation enough for when it does happen. See, we are the parasites, we left the world on the backs of those with the desire to carry it and we reaped from what they sowed. We contributed nothing because all we see is the cliff that we are coming to. Towers built to fall. We are the doubters who said it couldn't be done, and now that it has been done, all we feel is that it really shouldn't have been done. We're not playing along anymore. Why? I'm going to ask myself that and continue asking myself that for a long time, I don't want to be wrong about this. I believe everything we do is for ourselves, society is now a group of individuals who have lost a common goal. We used to be preparing for our future, now we are just praying our future doesn't come.
I want us to forget ourselves and remember the future. Forgetting ourselves is a must, for too long we have been under the illusion we are serving others by asking the question what is best for our future? but then ruining it by following up with another question, what is best for me now? What does it matter what is best for us now if we aren't building a stable future for later? A future that generations will want to step into and will want to improve.
I see hopelessness, I see no one stopping to acknowledge how hopeless it is. Maybe it would be better to fight until we die, but this society junk, this is not my fight. Society left me to suffer in my pain, society says let the weak die and let the fittest survive. Now has been raised a generation of the weak who are left saying all they can say. "Let society die for it is no longer fit to survive."
I don't want TV's in every house. I don't want to build a world that grows farther from love every day. See, that is one thing we forget. Love is real. It is the most important part of a society. I don't see a society worth loving, I see corruption, I see poison and I see the masses drinking it so that they too may walk in the footsteps of what has been built and taught in our lifetimes. I don't see a future of recovery. I don't see us acknowledging our failures and moving on. I just see failure upon failure making every previous one worse than it was before.
I want to see change based on some solid ground. I want to see a goal of love trying to be reached. I want love to be seen as something substantial, something worth achieving, something needed. I want us to see how dead we are without it. Society showed me long ago that I was worthless, by saving my life for the sole purpose of giving it what it wants, feeding back into the machine. It told me that the only thing that truly matters is what it wants and that I should ignore what I want. Oh yes, because it gives me what it wants doesn't it? A house to be alone in and a TV to forget the mess it has made. We tried as a society to give ourselves more than the earth could sustain. We got the ball rolling but now it has stopped. We produce consumers, war mongers and individuals who's right it is to not conform. We have no goals but our own self interest.
Discipline made this country, they must have had a reason to fight, a reason that is lost on me. To go against the nature of the world. To think that anything that could be built is worth building. To think that everything you can have is worth having. It seems silly to me now, but it was just a mystery to them- the consequences of progress, the inflated ideas it has given us. We are bigger now than the world we built to sustain us. Our dreams of opportunities have exceeded sustainability. Like shooting for the moon without building rockets. Who in this society has the right to get stepped on and who has the privilege to do the climbing? What could we build without first providing a social caste to be the foundation? Jesus told us nothing is better than everything, he told us that we have a life to live without the added pressure of providing for ourselves until we die. We should have listened.
I have this disgust that builds up in my stomach, instead of a filling sensation, considering I'm filled with it, it gives me emptiness... an emptiness that no abundance can satisfy. I'll call my art a purge, you'll call my work no art at all. I'm used to it; being called contention, like a dissident is the only reason this world doesn't work. I am one who walked away though I am certain I am not the one who gave myself the reason to.
If you've ever had pain, tell me a time when you haven't felt alone?
I tell you, I look at the world as it stands teetering, creaking with the early aging that comes from incompetent building. I suffer because this place is my house. People standing around making due, like that is all life is, and the same people talking to the younger generation like keeping it together is what their life must be about as well. "Maybe that is wisdom," I tell myself, but something inside me screams that it's a lie. This disaster isn't mine, it is an inheritance that none would ever ask for. Twenty Trillion dollars of debt?! Why wouldn't I ask for abstract? For too long life has been about denying the inevitable, for fear of it. The same reason I live in the abstract, for fear of reality. A reality that isn't mine yet is being forced upon me. One thing the abstract has helped me realize, helped me come to terms with. I have wants. I have greater desires than this flimsy social structure could ever allow, lest it come crumbling to the ground under the strength and power of this new spirit.
The abstract has taught me ambition in a world that does not allow for my brand of desire. I now ask of myself how do I make these desires into a reality? I do not believe that it is a waste of a brain to begin imagining, I do believe it is the purpose of dreaming to direct the path of reality, so where shall my reality begin? I will not allow it to be formed on the paths of destruction this world has endured for so long. What if you find yourself asking one day, how far have I come? What have I done? Is this world better because of me?
Will you ask yourself these things or will you take pleasure in knowing that you got your white picket fence, you had your two and a half kids and you suffered your dead end job for your quiet wages and your sense of "accomplishment"? Don't you see what has been left to us? How do you expect us to hide from this decline?
I want this world to collapse on our heads. The suffering of just knowing it is going to happen and the waiting for it to begin has been preparation enough for when it does happen. See, we are the parasites, we left the world on the backs of those with the desire to carry it and we reaped from what they sowed. We contributed nothing because all we see is the cliff that we are coming to. Towers built to fall. We are the doubters who said it couldn't be done, and now that it has been done, all we feel is that it really shouldn't have been done. We're not playing along anymore. Why? I'm going to ask myself that and continue asking myself that for a long time, I don't want to be wrong about this. I believe everything we do is for ourselves, society is now a group of individuals who have lost a common goal. We used to be preparing for our future, now we are just praying our future doesn't come.
I want us to forget ourselves and remember the future. Forgetting ourselves is a must, for too long we have been under the illusion we are serving others by asking the question what is best for our future? but then ruining it by following up with another question, what is best for me now? What does it matter what is best for us now if we aren't building a stable future for later? A future that generations will want to step into and will want to improve.
I see hopelessness, I see no one stopping to acknowledge how hopeless it is. Maybe it would be better to fight until we die, but this society junk, this is not my fight. Society left me to suffer in my pain, society says let the weak die and let the fittest survive. Now has been raised a generation of the weak who are left saying all they can say. "Let society die for it is no longer fit to survive."
I don't want TV's in every house. I don't want to build a world that grows farther from love every day. See, that is one thing we forget. Love is real. It is the most important part of a society. I don't see a society worth loving, I see corruption, I see poison and I see the masses drinking it so that they too may walk in the footsteps of what has been built and taught in our lifetimes. I don't see a future of recovery. I don't see us acknowledging our failures and moving on. I just see failure upon failure making every previous one worse than it was before.
I want to see change based on some solid ground. I want to see a goal of love trying to be reached. I want love to be seen as something substantial, something worth achieving, something needed. I want us to see how dead we are without it. Society showed me long ago that I was worthless, by saving my life for the sole purpose of giving it what it wants, feeding back into the machine. It told me that the only thing that truly matters is what it wants and that I should ignore what I want. Oh yes, because it gives me what it wants doesn't it? A house to be alone in and a TV to forget the mess it has made. We tried as a society to give ourselves more than the earth could sustain. We got the ball rolling but now it has stopped. We produce consumers, war mongers and individuals who's right it is to not conform. We have no goals but our own self interest.
Discipline made this country, they must have had a reason to fight, a reason that is lost on me. To go against the nature of the world. To think that anything that could be built is worth building. To think that everything you can have is worth having. It seems silly to me now, but it was just a mystery to them- the consequences of progress, the inflated ideas it has given us. We are bigger now than the world we built to sustain us. Our dreams of opportunities have exceeded sustainability. Like shooting for the moon without building rockets. Who in this society has the right to get stepped on and who has the privilege to do the climbing? What could we build without first providing a social caste to be the foundation? Jesus told us nothing is better than everything, he told us that we have a life to live without the added pressure of providing for ourselves until we die. We should have listened.
I have this disgust that builds up in my stomach, instead of a filling sensation, considering I'm filled with it, it gives me emptiness... an emptiness that no abundance can satisfy. I'll call my art a purge, you'll call my work no art at all. I'm used to it; being called contention, like a dissident is the only reason this world doesn't work. I am one who walked away though I am certain I am not the one who gave myself the reason to.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Happy
I want to start writing more in this mood, you know, feeling good. Today, I was a little worried that I wouldn't have anything to interest me in my thoughts today, but I found I can even think of me happy. Like why I feel like I can't be productive if there isn't some distant thorn disturbing my mind. What can be added to a satisfied world?
Not that this world is satisfied at all... Just, for one who has nothing to worry about, the only thing left to do is live, and maintain. And I don't ever want to be there- while the world is falling down around me- the only satisfaction I could have is when I'm completely ignoring the chaos around me.
Not that I don't try to do that... Sometimes
It's just when the chaos enters me that I seem to care most, that's what seems to get my thinking cap on and helps me get my legs going.
We can't hide from it is all I'm saying, pain is a neighbor constantly knocking at your door. And the pain is only in not letting it in. Not accepting that even the most negative emotions are still a part of you, how can you be complete without them?
Let them in, right? Lest they just be the rabid dogs that are left outside to devour the world. Let them in. They're your demons, not to indulge in, but to bear alone. The fullness of accepting that your heart holds what it holds, well, I hope I can say it's healthy.
Not that this world is satisfied at all... Just, for one who has nothing to worry about, the only thing left to do is live, and maintain. And I don't ever want to be there- while the world is falling down around me- the only satisfaction I could have is when I'm completely ignoring the chaos around me.
Not that I don't try to do that... Sometimes
It's just when the chaos enters me that I seem to care most, that's what seems to get my thinking cap on and helps me get my legs going.
We can't hide from it is all I'm saying, pain is a neighbor constantly knocking at your door. And the pain is only in not letting it in. Not accepting that even the most negative emotions are still a part of you, how can you be complete without them?
Let them in, right? Lest they just be the rabid dogs that are left outside to devour the world. Let them in. They're your demons, not to indulge in, but to bear alone. The fullness of accepting that your heart holds what it holds, well, I hope I can say it's healthy.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Dream
This Easter I had a dream, I found myself on a plane that had seating that was a lot like a school bus with white interior and the classic blue seats. There were people standing around, laughing and being all kinds of loud, but I knew I was there for another purpose. There had been a murder on the plane and everybody knew it, so I was trying to solve it- I think that was specifically why I was there. I interviewed multiple people. The first woman was much too shy to even look at me, the next few people could offer no details of the actual crime but they were more than willing to offer their condolences to the deceased and approve of my own investigations. Time ticks on and I see some of my friends are the ones laughing and standing in the corner. I have no desire to go to them. I return to the investigation with even more fervor as the announcement comes that the plane will be taking off shortly and returning to schedule. I scramble to find anyone who can show me the body or tell me any concrete details, where he was sitting, who was around him. Heck, I don't even really know if he was a guy, I just sensed it. And so I woke up, nothing solved, and I smile, because it just makes everything seem so beautiful :)
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
The Deep
I wish the surface was all that mattered
I wish I could live there forever
but it's the deep that's where I live
and it's the deep the scars are kept
I wish I could live there forever
but it's the deep that's where I live
and it's the deep the scars are kept
Friday, February 22, 2013
Treason
I think I'm starting to have the confidence to approach my questions again. God knows how I got that back... For too long I had lost the feeling that I am who I need to be. And, Lord knows, I wasn't. A lot of people seemed to have advice, advice that probably encouraged me to find my own way more than anything. I definitely don't take advice well. I feel like it's all a lie and just a way to dress someone up to look exactly like you. So, I may not take the advice, but I do take the encouragement- knowing deep down, that it's love that is making them try. It's love that is opening them up to failure.
The only impression that I get is that the "right" thing is based on nothing more than a set of guidelines to follow. Guidelines, that it would be awesome if I could follow wholeheartedly, but it's tough. The greatest conflict in my life comes from knowing the person I am and believing that there is a certain way I should behave; a different, hypothetical, person that I should try to force myself to embody. And every time I asked "why?" I felt guilty for not taking advice by faith.
I think I realize now that I'm not the kind of person who is going to confine myself to any kind of box, but I don't believe it's best for me to become anything for the sake of anybody else, because that, in itself, might be the greatest betrayal to myself and them.
The only impression that I get is that the "right" thing is based on nothing more than a set of guidelines to follow. Guidelines, that it would be awesome if I could follow wholeheartedly, but it's tough. The greatest conflict in my life comes from knowing the person I am and believing that there is a certain way I should behave; a different, hypothetical, person that I should try to force myself to embody. And every time I asked "why?" I felt guilty for not taking advice by faith.
I think I realize now that I'm not the kind of person who is going to confine myself to any kind of box, but I don't believe it's best for me to become anything for the sake of anybody else, because that, in itself, might be the greatest betrayal to myself and them.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
The road
I don't want to be boring. I'm doing things to keep up with life, I'm trying to live my life in a way I won't regret. But life still tends to be so boring. I think all I'm doing is skimming along the surface of it. Waiting for something deep to come along so I can just fall into it. It comes, occasionally, and I'm so used to being on the surface of things that I'm scared to dive in- it's like traveling by paved road so much in your life that you have no idea what it's like to make your own way, so your scared to. I mean, I'm scared to. At least I still have a hunger for awesomeness in my life. That's the only thing that'll conquer my fear of stepping off the road.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Journal
Something about writing completely exposed for other people to see makes it so much harder for me to write. Writing in a journal is like thinking for me, I'm perfectly fine with exploring new territory; taking wrong turns in hopes of a right one, branching out. It's easier on a blank page, in a world with no consequence. Any time when I'm with people, all I get are walls of conflicting ideas and emotions. It takes rationality out of the equation- I mean, it teaches a very valuable lesson, that people can't and shouldn't always be dealt with as if they are rational. I suppose I do have to justify a statement like that. People are rational, too an extent, we don't always listen to reason because, let's face it, we are so proud we have to learn it ourselves, or we just don't want to go back on our previous beliefs, or, the more likely reason, we know how much we don't know and that keeps us from committing to anything. I'm not a psychologist, I know that- I know how many loopholes there are in every argument I make. I just want to be encouraged to think, and to encourage others to do the same. I've been learning a lot in school; it seems like I'm cramming information into my head at so fast a rate that my understanding of it all is struggling to keep up. I don't like that, I don't like that at all. I'm missing out on the most fundamental part of the growing process. I'm missing out on the lines that connect the dots.
I'm missing out on the reasons. The puzzle pieces that make a person able to act rationally. You see, if someone doesn't have a reason to believe something, all they have is a crude outline of what an idea should look like. A framework for belief that is missing out on crucial, load bearing principles. I'm not willing to accept an idea without reasons. I understand faith I suppose- and most people who know me know I've been one for faith. This is my understanding of it. Faith accepts an idea, a framework for one to go by- this faith can be in anything, from science to religion to Ozzy Osborne or Judas Priest, faith accepts that a way to live is right and in living it, the gaps are filled in, the puzzle pieces are placed and the picture becomes a whole lot more clear.
Isn't that how it's supposed to work? I wish I could convince myself to go all the way. I wish I knew what "all the way" meant. I don't know what the future holds, or what God's plan should look like. The Bible gives a good framework and I'm not saying that the Bible is the reason why I hesitate to follow God. It's my interpretation, it's going into a conversation thinking that you're doing something loving to them by telling them about Jesus, and failing to even show love for them. To only ostracize people with an idea? That should be criminal. To dedicate myself to something that I so poorly live out, that makes no sense to me, I suppose that's why it's so hard for me to love, because there's nothing I'm pursuing, love can't just be a framework, it can't just be a vague idea. Love has to be a gap you fill in. An action you only learn with life. For anyone, not knowing an idea is like not seeing a bullet coming, it's going to shatter whatever delicate structure you've got going on. I know how much I don't know about love, and every time an experience comes that I don't expect, it shatters my framework. I'll admit I'm tired of putting up a fight against structures in my own mind, I'm tired of learning things that change how I see life. But, I'm even more tired of hiding behind words that don't have a reason to back them up. I'm tired of not asking why anymore and I'm certainly tired of having no defense for the same question. We are nothing when we hide behind words with no practical, logical reason, and even though changing is tough, I think we all know, sometimes, when it comes to our beliefs, our only reason to believe anything is because we're afraid of all we don't know. I'm learning to allow myself to change, to lose nothing but to gain what I've experienced and fit it in with what I already know.
I want to learn to love again. I think my idea of it has just been broken and I'm too tired to put it together again. I don't trust what God labels "the world" and I don't trust my interpretation of what God says is true, I'm at a love standstill, and I'm probably sitting down, even though I don't want to admit it. It's a love sitstill.
I'm missing out on the reasons. The puzzle pieces that make a person able to act rationally. You see, if someone doesn't have a reason to believe something, all they have is a crude outline of what an idea should look like. A framework for belief that is missing out on crucial, load bearing principles. I'm not willing to accept an idea without reasons. I understand faith I suppose- and most people who know me know I've been one for faith. This is my understanding of it. Faith accepts an idea, a framework for one to go by- this faith can be in anything, from science to religion to Ozzy Osborne or Judas Priest, faith accepts that a way to live is right and in living it, the gaps are filled in, the puzzle pieces are placed and the picture becomes a whole lot more clear.
Isn't that how it's supposed to work? I wish I could convince myself to go all the way. I wish I knew what "all the way" meant. I don't know what the future holds, or what God's plan should look like. The Bible gives a good framework and I'm not saying that the Bible is the reason why I hesitate to follow God. It's my interpretation, it's going into a conversation thinking that you're doing something loving to them by telling them about Jesus, and failing to even show love for them. To only ostracize people with an idea? That should be criminal. To dedicate myself to something that I so poorly live out, that makes no sense to me, I suppose that's why it's so hard for me to love, because there's nothing I'm pursuing, love can't just be a framework, it can't just be a vague idea. Love has to be a gap you fill in. An action you only learn with life. For anyone, not knowing an idea is like not seeing a bullet coming, it's going to shatter whatever delicate structure you've got going on. I know how much I don't know about love, and every time an experience comes that I don't expect, it shatters my framework. I'll admit I'm tired of putting up a fight against structures in my own mind, I'm tired of learning things that change how I see life. But, I'm even more tired of hiding behind words that don't have a reason to back them up. I'm tired of not asking why anymore and I'm certainly tired of having no defense for the same question. We are nothing when we hide behind words with no practical, logical reason, and even though changing is tough, I think we all know, sometimes, when it comes to our beliefs, our only reason to believe anything is because we're afraid of all we don't know. I'm learning to allow myself to change, to lose nothing but to gain what I've experienced and fit it in with what I already know.
I want to learn to love again. I think my idea of it has just been broken and I'm too tired to put it together again. I don't trust what God labels "the world" and I don't trust my interpretation of what God says is true, I'm at a love standstill, and I'm probably sitting down, even though I don't want to admit it. It's a love sitstill.
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