Weight

I just came to the revelation today that this blog has always had a deeper twinge of emotion to it than I've had the coherence to actually acknowledge.  That subtle twinge is of weight.  Maybe it's subtle to everyone else but the truth is, now I feel it for the full weight it is.  All these questions, doubts, concerns;  I'll admit something that I'm really afraid to tell anyone.  I dream big.  I want the world to change, I want myself to be able to bear it on my shoulders and carry it wherever I have the desire for it to go.  I'm definitely not ready to bear that weight yet but that is still what I try to do.  A sermon I listened to described patience as waiting for God's timing in everything, it was good to hear because I would like to think I'm ready to start facing the world head on-  but there are a lot more sensible things that need to be done in me first.  

The weight of big dreams crushes your enjoyment of life's small pleasures.  I know God doesn't want us to shut out anything that is good in our life, and I know that if I miss them (the simple things in life) I'll miss the big picture greatness as well.

I realize that in my social life and any time that I share anything with anyone- this weight is also conveyed as well.  Like let's say my dissatisfaction with the way my life is going is being translated into my behavior as something like depression or anger, immediately when I interact with someone that emotion is conveyed and it becomes something the other person now is trusted with.  They are presented an option, to deal with it and help the me through- even though they may not understand the situation, or, they might not even be able to handle the load.  So many times I see someone with a weight on them and I'm scared to even approach it because I know how much that kind of negativity would slow me down as well.  This is all the more reason to hide what I felt.  When I could see everyone else being dragged down by my problems, and even the ones who weren't, I just couldn't trust them.  If you are sharing someone's load, it slows you down- I don't want it to seem effortless for them, otherwise it feels like they aren't trying to carry anything at all, and I don't want to slow someone down as they fly high.  It's a lose/lose situation.

Honestly,  I try to hide the weight of what I feel.  I try to hide how heavy the weight is of a friend who's hurting.  But it's hard to see people hurt, and it's harder still to share the load.  But I take joy in it now, for it is one thing, I, as a Christian, know I'm doing for God.  And I know that His yoke is easy and his burden is light, if it doesn't feel that way, I know I'm not sharing it with him. 

Identity

A blank wall, an empty building
Cut and paste an identity
Skim the surface of who you are
Not everything you hold is you
But who you are is that Blank wall
Ready to be filled with what is true

Songs, clippings, pages with quotes and emotion. A tiny pinprick of what you are, fleshed out and developed in someone else's words.  Attached to your blank wall, filling up more space than it should.  Eventually you contain so much more excess than what you are that you are hardly yourself at all.  You're just a covered wall. A collage of so many other's ideas.  Am I to say that there is anything one can create that is fully them? Well, might that one must know themselves fully- yet who can in a world of such mixed identity?  For those who accept as truth the things they feel, and for those who accept as truth the things they know, or the things they see.  This is what their blank wall will be.

Glory

It would make sense to want to be a testament to the glory of man, exhibiting the fullest of your earthly potential to make known the truest wonders of this world.  Wonders birthed and fulfilled through God.
It would make sense to believe that it's our job to take ownership of these natural beauties, things like Science, Industry, Mathematics, etc.  What doesn't make sense is why we need to own them, what can we do with them that God doesn't do already?  What if ownership of these things actually takes away from our dependence on the source of them?

Christ, God on earth, chose not to glorify Himself with His actions- equality with God was not considered something that could be grasped, even by Him who embodied God!  He was a reflection of God's full nature.  Great things like Science, Math, and Industry are toys that we play with.  He never touched on them.  These qualities of God that are so easy to manipulate for our own end. It's so easy to want to know what it's like to have the world at our fingertips, it's so easy to think we'd manage the world better than God.  Can't He lead us to use these things? I do believe He can, but until we are willing to be who He was for us, the meek, lowly servant of an entire world, the same thing He is today.  What will we do with our power but glorify ourselves for demonstrating it?

Our efforts are in knowing God.  Running after Him in such a way as Christ did. It's a shame I forget that sometimes.

Christ isn't the only means we pursue to achieve our goals, but he is the only way we can achieve them- we all want the world to be a better place, but the world isn't going to last forever, so why pour all of your efforts into it?  No, the effort shouldn't go to what is temporary, rather the effort should go into what is eternal.  God is eternal, and all effort should go to loving Him.

Learning

Bust your butt, that's what makes the world better.

For the people that matter, the people who need it, the people who are fit enough to survive.  Don't hold back for fear, do what it takes to know this world.  Science, Industry, Mathematics.  All the work that has gone into knowing.  Is the fear in not having the end in sight? Alas! Isn't that where the joy should be! Paving the way into the unknown, unbroken territory.  The unbridled, wild passion of what has never been known before.  Find it, pursue it, for your sake and for the sake of all others who need that world discovered.

It is for the idea of a better world that we strive for what is better.  How bad is it that necessity dictates a humans desire and not the will of the human themselves?  Let's not wait until things are worse, things are bad right now, if only in the simple fact that we aren't running as fast as we can into the infinity of the unknown!  The world is made better through knowledge, the filling in of the gaps in our understanding.  How can we convince ourselves that we know all there is to know? That there is nothing new worth knowing? It's only because we reduce the size of our world to our job, our family, our school, even our living rooms!  Only then can we say that we know everything about the world and that's because we shut a large portion of the world out!

I'm tired and scared of seeing myself do this, I don't want my life to continue in this way.  It's time to work beyond our human desire and open doors to the world we know so that we can rise to be a part of the world we live in, which includes all that we have yet to learn.

Obstacles in

There's definitely a lot in my way tonight.  I must admit, I've been pretty sedentary.  Tried to put in some time with God this morning, read a few chapters, wrote down a verse- then kinda didn't move at all.  I blame the heat, I blame my headache.  I blame a lot of things but I'm seriously just too lazy to overcome it all.  I took about an hour long walk, tried to pray a lot, was really distracted. So pretty much ended up just letting the activity in my mind just run itself out.

I'm posting this, not because I think it's good writing or anything- but because I know that God will be glorified by how he works in me over the next days, weeks, lifetime...  Struggling to come to Him, and still coming to Him makes us so much stronger for going through it.  Gotta love this life and the hurdles it throws our way :)

New Post

Righteous! What an awesome summer! Campers, friends, God. The trifecta that really keeps me growing.
I'm glad to be back to writing- I think I learned even more how to pour my heart out in relateable and expressive new ways :)

But normally I don't even have the time to do that via internet, I simply have time to drop an idea on paper so that I can save it forever.  That's actually what I'm going to do now.

My friend, God bless her, basically said she was getting a massage.  My response was, "I'm jealous, you'd be surprised of who though."  Right, I'm jealous of the one giving the massage, I said.  She asked me why that is and I replied "Because I want all good things to come from me."

That has definitely been a big part of my running theme for the summer.  God has definitely taught me to let a lot of things find their place in Him, whether it be my pain, my depression, or whatever else I've learned I can't manage on my own.  Unfortunately, there are still a lot of things I haven't trusted Him to be for me- and perfect is one of them.  It's been amazing how much stress I've been carrying around just trying to be perfect, and, as much as that isn't right, I never quite knew that I could give God even that part of me I've been trying to be for Him.

The stress from trying to be perfect comes from the fact that we are not, and my idea of perfection has never truly been "One is perfect when they are truly themselves" Which it may be closer to being now, but no, it's been based on how the culture reacts to me.  If I'm not perfect in my love for others, than I am not perfect in God's eyes I thought.  How wrong could I be! I'm never going to be perfect, but it's the faith to let God work through you that is given as righteousness- He is the only perfect thing so drawing to Him to be perfect where you fall short takes a lot of stress off of one's heart.