Weight

I just came to the revelation today that this blog has always had a deeper twinge of emotion to it than I've had the coherence to actually acknowledge.  That subtle twinge is of weight.  Maybe it's subtle to everyone else but the truth is, now I feel it for the full weight it is.  All these questions, doubts, concerns;  I'll admit something that I'm really afraid to tell anyone.  I dream big.  I want the world to change, I want myself to be able to bear it on my shoulders and carry it wherever I have the desire for it to go.  I'm definitely not ready to bear that weight yet but that is still what I try to do.  A sermon I listened to described patience as waiting for God's timing in everything, it was good to hear because I would like to think I'm ready to start facing the world head on-  but there are a lot more sensible things that need to be done in me first.  

The weight of big dreams crushes your enjoyment of life's small pleasures.  I know God doesn't want us to shut out anything that is good in our life, and I know that if I miss them (the simple things in life) I'll miss the big picture greatness as well.

I realize that in my social life and any time that I share anything with anyone- this weight is also conveyed as well.  Like let's say my dissatisfaction with the way my life is going is being translated into my behavior as something like depression or anger, immediately when I interact with someone that emotion is conveyed and it becomes something the other person now is trusted with.  They are presented an option, to deal with it and help the me through- even though they may not understand the situation, or, they might not even be able to handle the load.  So many times I see someone with a weight on them and I'm scared to even approach it because I know how much that kind of negativity would slow me down as well.  This is all the more reason to hide what I felt.  When I could see everyone else being dragged down by my problems, and even the ones who weren't, I just couldn't trust them.  If you are sharing someone's load, it slows you down- I don't want it to seem effortless for them, otherwise it feels like they aren't trying to carry anything at all, and I don't want to slow someone down as they fly high.  It's a lose/lose situation.

Honestly,  I try to hide the weight of what I feel.  I try to hide how heavy the weight is of a friend who's hurting.  But it's hard to see people hurt, and it's harder still to share the load.  But I take joy in it now, for it is one thing, I, as a Christian, know I'm doing for God.  And I know that His yoke is easy and his burden is light, if it doesn't feel that way, I know I'm not sharing it with him.