Ah, this was has taken a long time to learn. Conflict has been pretty good to me in my life, personal conflict that is. I don't know why I expect the same results from arguing (relational conflict), but I kind of do. In a way, I guess I learn from arguing, or "discussing" if you think arguing has too much of a negative conotation.
I started this post firmly thinking that it is pointless to argue, but I think I've begun to clarify that idea in my own mind. It's pointless to argue if you don't live it out. Most people do argue in defense of how they are living though, so, hm... How can I explain? Well, for me, Christianity is something I'm always in defense of and always looking to show to other people, but when it comes to living out the mission of it as well as I can, I don't think I do that as well as I could. I should definitely be humble enough to reveal that to people, while also not being afraid to show who I am and where I'm at on my journey.
I've argued for Christianity, but I've also seen how futile it is if people don't see what you are arguing for in you. If people don't know Christ, if you aren't centering the focus on how he lives, then you are focusing on how you live, and people have a tendency to disagree with that. It's pretty easy to find things you don't like in someone. I do it all the time, that's pretty much how I disregard someone's argument- if they aren't living the way I want to then I'm not going to agree with their perspective.
I've seen a lot of people do it, at least, that's what I assume their reason is for the most part. I really hope to lose that judgmental part of me and just focus on living the way Christ lived and not really arguing with anyone about how they should live their life but rather who they should live their life for.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Heart
A heart of stone is what I have
I've refused the thought
but that just means it's true all the more
Where do I begin on my journey to the end?
If I find a path to certain
I'll certainly find I hate where I'm going
So flesh is meant to follow
and a stone is meant to stay
So I'll replace my heart with Scripture
and watch my stone just roll away
I've refused the thought
but that just means it's true all the more
Where do I begin on my journey to the end?
If I find a path to certain
I'll certainly find I hate where I'm going
So flesh is meant to follow
and a stone is meant to stay
So I'll replace my heart with Scripture
and watch my stone just roll away
Fate
Fate can lead a horse to water but it can't make him drink.
Life can lead us so many places, God certainly shows us good things and bad things in our lives. But it's left to us to choose what to hold on to. I've been afraid to settle down into a lifestyle, whether it's certain attitudes, behaviours, structures or schedules, I'm just so uneasy restricting my life to a single way. I've seen myself fail (often) I've seen blindness settle in (as ironic as that sounds) and I've seen my inconsistency leave no room for focus or any true motivation. Settling into a consistent way of living would be, to me, taking control of my life in a way that is uncomfortable and risky- I've been wrong so many times before, how can I expect to choose the right way to live?
I think the proof is based mostly in how inconsistent I've been living already, always plagued by indecision, always missing opportunities because I'm bummed out, or overconfident. That has been my way, like a seed that is carried by the wind, never finding a place to settle down. Sometimes high, sometimes low, but still never given it's first and final chance to grow. This way of living in itself is a fail. Committing to the idea of never committing is still a commitment. So what is more productive than holding on to what fate has shown you? Letting go of the bad and embracing the good, running after it with all your heart.
Life will bring to you good things and bad things.
God teaches us to recognize what those things are.
I'm a go with the flow kind of person and, day after day, I've let the current take so many good things away from me because I'm so scared to grab something bad on accident. It makes me sad, it makes me scared, I've let so many good things go by. I've missed out on so much living and learning for the sake of my own comfort, yet I still wind up feeling miserable instead!
My attitude of never taking life as it is and always just waiting for something more, has left me feeling useless inside. Like I said, I want to hold on to what is good, and it's safe to say, that there is not much that can be called "good," but I do know there are opportunities I've missed and that I am desperately going to start living again so that it never happens again.
God gives good things, maybe I should make a list of them and try to surround myself with them (even if I disagree, He's still right) and that's a sure thing.
Life can lead us so many places, God certainly shows us good things and bad things in our lives. But it's left to us to choose what to hold on to. I've been afraid to settle down into a lifestyle, whether it's certain attitudes, behaviours, structures or schedules, I'm just so uneasy restricting my life to a single way. I've seen myself fail (often) I've seen blindness settle in (as ironic as that sounds) and I've seen my inconsistency leave no room for focus or any true motivation. Settling into a consistent way of living would be, to me, taking control of my life in a way that is uncomfortable and risky- I've been wrong so many times before, how can I expect to choose the right way to live?
I think the proof is based mostly in how inconsistent I've been living already, always plagued by indecision, always missing opportunities because I'm bummed out, or overconfident. That has been my way, like a seed that is carried by the wind, never finding a place to settle down. Sometimes high, sometimes low, but still never given it's first and final chance to grow. This way of living in itself is a fail. Committing to the idea of never committing is still a commitment. So what is more productive than holding on to what fate has shown you? Letting go of the bad and embracing the good, running after it with all your heart.
Life will bring to you good things and bad things.
God teaches us to recognize what those things are.
I'm a go with the flow kind of person and, day after day, I've let the current take so many good things away from me because I'm so scared to grab something bad on accident. It makes me sad, it makes me scared, I've let so many good things go by. I've missed out on so much living and learning for the sake of my own comfort, yet I still wind up feeling miserable instead!
My attitude of never taking life as it is and always just waiting for something more, has left me feeling useless inside. Like I said, I want to hold on to what is good, and it's safe to say, that there is not much that can be called "good," but I do know there are opportunities I've missed and that I am desperately going to start living again so that it never happens again.
God gives good things, maybe I should make a list of them and try to surround myself with them (even if I disagree, He's still right) and that's a sure thing.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Need
I've always been bugged when a guy or girl would say to their crush "I need you." I personally considered that idea as absolutely ridiculous, but more importantly, I saw it as unstable. I didn't and I still don't quite know what causes relationships to end, but I attributed it to the fact that, as naturally as it came to need each other at one point, that need, also naturally, faded.
As life goes on and I see everyone stutter and fall sometimes, I have become aware of the fact that we all do need each other. And as disgusted as I was by people who said they needed each other, but let that idea die when they no longer felt like maintaining it, I have been forced to accept that I am also wrong in my belief that no one actually does need anyone.
When it comes to developing a strong relationship with a person, I'm starting to realize that intimacy comes with understanding your need for that person. It feels incredibly good to be needed, so recognizing your need for someone else is actually a very effective way to develop that relationship. It might not even be a quality you can recognize yet, it might be something hidden behind layers and layers of walls. It might be a part of you that you don't even realize you don't have, but there is always a quality in someone that is worth knowing.
I struggle very much, not with seeing how I could need someone else- I'm very good at recognizing good qualities in my friends and, in turn, becoming jealous of that quality to the point where I even become a little bitter- but I struggle with recognizing that people in some way need me as well.
I don't think I have great qualities, when my self esteem is in the dump and I just go invisible, I don't always see people reach out to find me. That makes me feel completely unneeded and that hurts. It's something I do to myself though for sure. I sit back and judge the world without me like it's not even something I want to be a part of, but it is. Living in this world is the only way I can see or have the positive effect I want.
We, as people, are all made in God's image, we are a body of Christ, capable of doing the amazing things He did, and capable of doing very simple pleasant works of generosity. I feel that means we all have a quality of God that needs to be shown- hence why we need each other. As a church, if we are all showing the element of God we've been given, we would be, as a unit, the essence of God. That's why we need each other, that's why I need you and you need me. God gives us the Bible, Words we can live by, not to restrict who we are, but to accentuate those qualites He gave us to show. Our need, even if we can't recognize it, is to help each other develop those good qualities and to act on them, as a unit, interdependent on one another, to do the good deeds prepared in advance for us to do.
That's how it's structured in my mind. I know it's just a concept that I hope everyone can relate to, I'm not trying to add to what God said, but I know there is a lot of His perspective that I am missing, and recognizing how I need someone else is, what I believe to be, one more step in truly loving other people, loving myself, and seeing thing's from God's perspective.
As life goes on and I see everyone stutter and fall sometimes, I have become aware of the fact that we all do need each other. And as disgusted as I was by people who said they needed each other, but let that idea die when they no longer felt like maintaining it, I have been forced to accept that I am also wrong in my belief that no one actually does need anyone.
When it comes to developing a strong relationship with a person, I'm starting to realize that intimacy comes with understanding your need for that person. It feels incredibly good to be needed, so recognizing your need for someone else is actually a very effective way to develop that relationship. It might not even be a quality you can recognize yet, it might be something hidden behind layers and layers of walls. It might be a part of you that you don't even realize you don't have, but there is always a quality in someone that is worth knowing.
I struggle very much, not with seeing how I could need someone else- I'm very good at recognizing good qualities in my friends and, in turn, becoming jealous of that quality to the point where I even become a little bitter- but I struggle with recognizing that people in some way need me as well.
I don't think I have great qualities, when my self esteem is in the dump and I just go invisible, I don't always see people reach out to find me. That makes me feel completely unneeded and that hurts. It's something I do to myself though for sure. I sit back and judge the world without me like it's not even something I want to be a part of, but it is. Living in this world is the only way I can see or have the positive effect I want.
We, as people, are all made in God's image, we are a body of Christ, capable of doing the amazing things He did, and capable of doing very simple pleasant works of generosity. I feel that means we all have a quality of God that needs to be shown- hence why we need each other. As a church, if we are all showing the element of God we've been given, we would be, as a unit, the essence of God. That's why we need each other, that's why I need you and you need me. God gives us the Bible, Words we can live by, not to restrict who we are, but to accentuate those qualites He gave us to show. Our need, even if we can't recognize it, is to help each other develop those good qualities and to act on them, as a unit, interdependent on one another, to do the good deeds prepared in advance for us to do.
That's how it's structured in my mind. I know it's just a concept that I hope everyone can relate to, I'm not trying to add to what God said, but I know there is a lot of His perspective that I am missing, and recognizing how I need someone else is, what I believe to be, one more step in truly loving other people, loving myself, and seeing thing's from God's perspective.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Words that translate to Action
My greatest problem right now I think, is that my words have grown stale. I am able to say a lot of good things but when it comes to knowing how to act them out, that's where I fall short.
My thoughts have become pretty simple and short- go out and do. Let my words translate into action.
Many times, I have seen people base their beliefs on words that justify easy living. The desire to live naturally and comfortably is so great and so wrong that it translates deeply into people's core beliefs- justifying their actions with words that aren't based on anything but their own desires.
Frankly, I don't want to let that happen, I don't want to let myself settle for less even though I so often want my life to be naturally perfect, even though it's not. I want my words to always convict me to do more.
That's just where I am right now. :)
My thoughts have become pretty simple and short- go out and do. Let my words translate into action.
Many times, I have seen people base their beliefs on words that justify easy living. The desire to live naturally and comfortably is so great and so wrong that it translates deeply into people's core beliefs- justifying their actions with words that aren't based on anything but their own desires.
Frankly, I don't want to let that happen, I don't want to let myself settle for less even though I so often want my life to be naturally perfect, even though it's not. I want my words to always convict me to do more.
That's just where I am right now. :)
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Pinpoint
I'll be there for you, just let me have my own corner of the world- lest this world should fall. The least I can do is let my fort be held down. What I am, and what I have been given. I could never have it all, I desire that too greatly.
I hold back my love, from everything- there are many times where I don't- but far too many times I do. What makes a head believe it's bigger than the world? What stops it from seeing the small part that we can play? Aren't we all just waiting for someone to contain it all? To just have it all together?
Well this is my life which is broken for you, into shards and fragments of all that I've been trying to become. This is the man standing in front of the mirror and feeling lost for not seeing who he is in himself. And another is the man who can stand in front of the world, and see all that he could ever need. This is just who I need to be, because that is who I am.
I hold back my love, from everything- there are many times where I don't- but far too many times I do. What makes a head believe it's bigger than the world? What stops it from seeing the small part that we can play? Aren't we all just waiting for someone to contain it all? To just have it all together?
Well this is my life which is broken for you, into shards and fragments of all that I've been trying to become. This is the man standing in front of the mirror and feeling lost for not seeing who he is in himself. And another is the man who can stand in front of the world, and see all that he could ever need. This is just who I need to be, because that is who I am.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Love
The whole reason I started writing was so I could get my thoughts down in a way I could remember. It's amazing how often I forget just how simple living is, I always try to complicate it with life lessons and pretty much just a desire to coordinate who I am entirely.
It's love I want to live for though, a life devoted and arranged, not around fear or selfishness but simply love for my friends, family, and the people I encounter everyday. If I fail because of my blind stupidity, I just want to be proud that I loved to the best of my ability. Loved, not myself, but you.
It's love I want to live for though, a life devoted and arranged, not around fear or selfishness but simply love for my friends, family, and the people I encounter everyday. If I fail because of my blind stupidity, I just want to be proud that I loved to the best of my ability. Loved, not myself, but you.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Blindness
I learned today that life has a big picture plan for you. All the time spent being miserable is time spent killing the things that make you miserable. Experiences I would never ask to have over again because they were my choices, my mistakes. They only create in me a hatred for the path I chose, inspiring in me a reason to never choose it again.
I want to see the world again, relearn how to live like I am not led by my emptiness. To observe the world as it is, not as I want it to be. I am also not meant to see the world as it could be or should be. I am a scientist. The world must be only as it is and I must learn to be alright with that.
Most of the time, when I sit and think- my eyes lose focus on the world and my head becomes the only thing I know. I find myself only wanting, and through that, I only see the things I want.
This is blindness.
I want to see the world again, relearn how to live like I am not led by my emptiness. To observe the world as it is, not as I want it to be. I am also not meant to see the world as it could be or should be. I am a scientist. The world must be only as it is and I must learn to be alright with that.
Most of the time, when I sit and think- my eyes lose focus on the world and my head becomes the only thing I know. I find myself only wanting, and through that, I only see the things I want.
This is blindness.
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