Dependence

It's funny how a wave starts.  My friend posted how encouraged she's been by God this year, she reminded me of the importance of being truly dependent on God for every aspect of my life.  For me, that means giving up my "personality."  I put that in quotes for the main reason of me being, above all, a scientist.  And ever since I was a teenager, my behavior with people has always been a science experiment.  I change daily, trying different ways to get people to like me better.  Unfortunately, even if someone does like me, I don't feel like they are liking "me," because all "I" am is a collection of actions that are arranged for one purpose, to get a good reaction.  This has been my struggle with dependence, what's awesome about the wave is how I've shared this thought with some people and it affects them all, in different areas of their life, but nevertheless, I would gladly give up all I am for God because I know that all "I" am is an attempt to be the love that He is.  The actions I always wanted to embody are found in Christ and, for me, that is what true dependence means and I definitely need to be reminded not to fight too hard to make myself into someone God doesn't want me to be.  Too often I fight to be who I think I should be.  Too often I'm wrong and I'm fighting a fight that I'm never gonna win. 

Oh that hurts so bad to never be comfortable with who you are. 

The Unapproachable Problem

It comes about subtly, a thought does, a good one I mean.  Sometimes, after a long time of hiding from yourself, from the world, the ocean of echoing noise comes in, or out, I'm not sure.  Either way, it touches you.  Leaves you overwhelmed.  Life just gets more dense for a while, there is meaning in every little thing and there is nothing that isn't a part of you in some distant but sentimental way. 
It's a feeling, and it's beautiful, unlike so many others it's right- but it's the hardest one to find.  Life is simple, flat. Instead of the crags and valleys, mountains or vacant lots.  Life becomes an ocean, dynamic and yet so peaceful.  Enormity contained.  For some strange reason, you are not yourself, you are everything created, because you are subject to one Creator.  One manifest greatness that makes your world no different than the one you are living in.  The one you were born to live in.  When every hurdle is vaulted and there is no great climb, no great race, there's just a peace you needed-

That ain't gonna last.

It's just a taste of what life should be.  It's life without the painful living that comes with it.  It's a call for you to hear and know, so that there is no settling for less- there is no misbelief that what you have now is better than all there is.  Eternity is waiting for us, heaven or hell, and there is no one who doesn't believe that life can be a little bit of both, but all of neither.  So the race begins again, and the fight starts for the heaven that we know, or, the drought returns, and what happens is we leave our thirst for the life that is just-

living and safe and easy.

Evil was never defeated.  Many battles won, but the war was always lost.  Every step I took on my own was only deeper into enemy territory.  I was mapping it out, getting to know firsthand what I was up against as I walked farther down a road to inevitable defeat.  How long would it have been until I found a problem I couldn't handle?  Where does that leave me?  Only deep into enemy territory.  I try to justify by saying that many I know have gone down that path- that these hurdles are in their way too and they need to be able to approach them.  For what purpose though? These problems could be there to help us see the joy we could have on the other path.  Instead of walking down the path the world has for us, maybe we can see all that God has in store if we just turn to Him?  I don't want to help anyone walk farther down the broad path, for many have chosen it, and I've learned to trust that it can only lead to destruction.

Small thought

"You can't trust that."  I feel like there were definitely some times in my life where it would have been better to hear that than just feel flat out wrong. 

I enjoy listening to what people say, most of all, I enjoy trusting what they've said.  In this age of politics and deception, I find it hard to trust. A lot of what is said, and this blog is no different, is based on speculation- thoughts and perspectives of the one offering them.  So often, every statement is polluted by emotion.  We cling to the things we say because these beliefs are what make us who we are- they come from the heart.  The things that matter, be it religion, love, government.  The beliefs that we have that make up our perspective of these things are the beliefs we have that allow us to function.  When I share what I think, I know what I'm sharing is more than just an extroneous thought, I'm sharing myself- thoughts I've already incorporated into my being (which may be my first mistake)- but when I'm told that I'm wrong because of what I accept, I do not appreciate.  I find it an attack at who I am, baseless without a reason.  And if I'm wrong, I want to know why, and why I can trust what I'm being told. 

I know I'm trying to trust everything I've seen in God's nature and likeness, but obviously there are little things that slip through the cracks.  I would just like for things to be a discussion, on both sides, rather than just two parties clinging to the beliefs that separate them from each other simply because if you shake the foundation, the life they built could crumble.

I, personally, believe it's best to know when your building is bad, fix it now for those who need a good example of what a healthy house looks like.  But the most important thing to me, is just being willing to let go of what you have and start over.

Strife

I want to run for you until my lungs tingle.  If there has been a better way for me to get the idea of running hard for Christ, nothing has been so obvious and necessary as what I was able to do yesterday.  I had the urge to go running in our backyard here, just doing suicides on our lawn :) and I cannot believe how different it is- I've been running distances for a while, like two miles a day, but within like five minutes of just doing all out sprints I thought my heart was going to give out.  Needless to say, it was the most I've physically exerted myself in the last few weeks, but it was certainly the most rewarding exercise I've had the pleasure of suffering through.

Middle Distance Runner, that would be my song of the day because that has been my approach to life, steady and strong- just kind of do what you can and survive.  It's hard to feel accomplished though when you don't push yourself- it's especially hard to convince yourself it's worth it (before you do it) The hurt of that much effort is usually too much of a hurdle.  I need to be encouraged to push past the slow jog and to start running hard.  In my life, everything I do can be approached with that same "run hard" attitude- I just have to be willing to push past the pain- I just need to be able to see the point, or trust that there is one.

Motivation

There are thousands of causes that people live and work for.  Some people work for money, others work for purpose, some are only desperate to provide for their family.  A lot of youth in our nation are still seeking for any kind of motivation.  So where can it be found?

Is it found in the first identifiable need that comes around?  The man that has lived his whole life unsatisfied with all he lacks, does he turn to money to fill it?  The man with a family of mouths to feed, does he sacrifice his dreams to provide?

This idea of motivation, and the labor that comes about from it, is it ever spurred by a true choice?  Or is it only just a response to all that is missing in one's life?

Money is worth working for, for those who think they need it.
Purpose is a great need, for those who feel they have none.
Family is a truly noble fight, for everyone who has one.

Those without motivation are the free to choose their own.  To live a life free of need, and never be left wanting.  That is the blessing of the spoiled.  But even for them, comfort becomes a need that must be maintained.  A new motivation that, whenever threatened, drives one to do anything to keep it. 

I believe I have struggled with this motivation.  A motivation that above many things, draws out the selfishness of an individual.  Not even the labor that results from it is for anyone but themselves.  At least one who provides for their family benefits their family, but those who strive for their own comfort are only striving for themselves.  In a sense, all these motivations are selfish, to fulfill a need within, but some are more productive than others.  Some results are more tangible than others, but the value to the individual is always the same.

What are you working for?  I can say that sadly, I don't have to work too hard for my comfort, I actually feel a whole lot more comfortable not working at all.  That is a motivation I believe God calls me to lose.  Just like the man who works for his family, his service is for them.  If their is any motivation worth replacing my own with, it is in service of the Great Provider, the Great Comforter, and the one from whom all things come.

That is my desire, to have my life revolve around someone other than myself. A labor that is active and not passive.  God is not going to take the back burner in my life, it is my life that must be put in His hands.

Desire

The weight of pain, that which constantly oppresses many people in this great nation.  Suffering quite unlike that of developing countries, or of poor, starving, or those afflicted by lack.  We have a pain of our own.  All know how it feels, all approach it differently- for some it may be the cold depths of loneliness, for others it may be a constant feeling of inadequecy, there are so many pains.  Hungers that we don't even know we have yet we still continue to try and feed them with useless things.  Those who hunger for relationships, turning to food to fill the void.  Men and women who seek approval, turning to others desperate for the same thing, but alas, they are not the ones desperate for each other only .

Life is about that heartbreaking hunger, life is about not letting that hunger break who you are.  What is weaker than letting your mind be controlled by your pain?  How is it that we so often forget that others are just as empty as us?

Where one can recognize their own desires so well, it is so simple to pursue those alone.  Desires that call so loudly and beg and crouch at the foot of every thought that it makes one blind to a world plagued by the same chains.  A nation bound by desire, chosen to be deeply enslaved to temporary pursuits and pleasures.  There is none free of that desire, that, I believe is true, but what is a greater way to know the wondrous idea of Self than by knowing the desires that embody it?

If there is a unifying bond between all humanity, it is the selfishness that drives all good and bad accomplishments made by humanity.  The desire of an individual, tied to the desire of a nation, connected by the desire of the whole world.  If there is one thing that helps you know how to serve a friend or family member, it is by knowing the core desires that have been instilled in yourself.

Treat others as you would like to be treated, and one must know how they'd like to be treated, but instead of acting on filling that desire in themselves, one can at least try to address it in the people they love.