Genuine

It is amazing how much has gone through my head the past few years, I look back at my work, my writing, I really have been trying to figure all life out.  Throughout the course of friendships, family  relationships, and especially the girls that I've allowed my heart to get significantly close to, I've realized who I am, honestly, I'm not stable. 

My genuine heart has lashed out at the ones who have loved me and the ones who I've loved, my writing has mainly been a way for me to try and control that, explore it, and keep it from happening again, but I've found, writing doesn't change my honesty, sometimes it gives me perspective, but most of the time I can't even say for sure that what I've said has any bearing in reality, they are just words, and yes, sometimes I need to vent, but I also need to know if what I'm saying is just air or if it has any substance for real.

I get frustrated feeling like I can't accept the world's purpose.  I can't be happy with school, I want to be, just like I want to be happy trying to pursue a perfect body, a perfect job, and a perfect wife.  I just honestly know there is more, and honestly have no idea the right way to pursue it.

Okay, maybe I do feel like I know the right way, I know the way that involves me giving up my expectations in this world, I know the way that involves me giving up my comfort.  I know the God way.  I know Christ as the Way.  Even now I'm praying and thinking of what my day is going to be about and I've decided, it isn't going to be about me, but honestly, if it is ever going to truly be about Christ, there is a lot of me that He needs to touch.  I want to trust Him to make me honestly better, not forced, I will look at Him and pray to become more like Him, but most of all, I will trust the honesty in me, the spirit, and believe and trust I have been given what I ask for, even though I still feel so human.

A New Day

  You are standing on an island in the gray of the grayest day. All around you is coral reef, protruding from the water, dry and lifeless and sharp.  The ocean laps and pounds at the sides of your bulbous pedestal, though high above where the waves can't touch you, you are tempted to look down and touch them.  "This is life'" you think, as you lay your head down on the reef. And as you drift into dream, even that part of you that sleeps contains the world you hope to escape, if just for one second.  Dreams, colorless and scarred, they are what touches you deepest as you wake up knowing that this place you stand has finally entered you.  Yet you stand and strain your eyes to see a new gleam sparking out over the pulsating water, and as you look out at the pink turning to orange to gold, you don't know who to thank, but you are thankful still.

Please

Silence, to hide what we are ashamed of- not a voice to hurt, is the greatest cause of suffering in the world today. I say not a voice to hurt because, the words with hurt intended, those are the words to hide, yet the thought of pain needs to be expressed.  We are ashamed not to know how to say we hurt or you hurt me, and silent to hide the error in knowing.

I will babble from time to time, I think that is the true purpose of my blog.  I used to get friends and family to look at it, but some people would say stuff that I never had the confidence to defend, same with my Facebook.  People believe that there are parts of us that the world just should not see, that there are things we can think but never share with the whole world.  Maybe they believe that there are a select few people who can hear it, but other than that we should just keep our rabble to ourselves. 

In a way I can see that is true. I can see how the people in my life honestly don't care to listen- if I wanted to be factual I could bring in a bit I read in a book, so I will.  The book states that one logical fallacy that often becomes someone is the Continued Influence of Misinformation, basically how the memory of some fact that has long since been proven wrong can affect the way one thinks and makes conclusions.  It is no wonder then why nobody wants to listen to everybody's mistaken conclusions.

I have long known about the error in my thought and thinking, what I cannot come to accept is any solution to the problem.  Maybe I haven't done enough research or maybe no amount of research can be done to come to a satisfying conclusion.  I feel there are only two options, to live in error and constantly seek learning and shaping from reality and experience, which I've seen to unfortunately have an effect on people; or I can subscribe to some distinct philosophy, and yes, I consider science a philosophy- it is the philosophy of reality whereas it is bound to leave questions unanswered such as "where did everything come from?" or "where is everything going?"  So I live in error, even when I try to submit to a philosophy, unfortunately for me, when you fail and weigh it against a philosophy, you only learn how to hold more to the philosophy and deny a part of yourself that may be practical in the real world but you can't allow yourself to live like that.  A philosophy is like a little world, where you take reality and make it smaller so it is easier to manage.  You live by little  "if, then" statements and you follow commands so you can control it all yourself.

Philosophy isn't living, it is culture.  It is one of many experiences in life and whatever wisdom you are learning to love, you are probably neglecting another. 

Worth

I'd like to say confidently that there is nothing worth believing in in this world.  That everything we see is without meaning. I'd like to say it because I can finally admit it is what I feel and rather than feeling hopeless about that, I prefer to feel a sort of redemption that has attached itself to it.  A hope sprung from inside myself, that what I'm feeling is worth acknowledging, that the highest of authorities rests in the commonest of faculties, the human mind.  The human heart.  I've been looking over my writing and I know how inaccessible it can be for other people, but I know how therapeutic and necessary it is for me.  Searching for any idea worthy enough to hold me, carry me on its shoulders and bring me back to the safe places I once knew.  That was the redemption I sought- yet what I found is the broken do not get made whole by witnessing brokenness around them, and brokenness is all I see.  It is not a brokenness that makes life not worth living but it is a brokenness that makes the world that much more complicated.  Convoluted may be a better word.  Life, mine in particular collects so much junk, I've been taught to be so inefficient.  All I've seen in this world is attempts at better wasting time, what little we even have, and I thought there was meaning, meaning even in that like it was a service of love to society to take comfort in the work of your hands, the sweat of your brow and the pleasure of the American Dream.  I've considered the idea that even meaninglessness has meaning.  I have considered the idea that there is meaning in loving others, but what does love mean?  Does it mean giving them the life they want?  Does it mean searching out who they are?  Getting to know them behind the meaninglessness?  Who is anyone without the blanks we fill in by what we do?  Who am I and why can't I accept the definition of lazy, unmotivated, blind, ignorant, worthless?  Why can't I just give up who I am and pursue meaninglessness?  I can tell you; it is because I have meaning.  It is because you have meaning.  One single solitary note, not of a rhyme or rhythm but poetic.  The social network of people who matter, not for their practical value but for their inherent value.  I ask the world what means anything, and the answer I get is that everything is meaningless but peace.  Where can we live without the fight?

Stop.

In life, there are many pauses.  For me most of them are to reflect on the truth of the situation.  I often consider whether or not my words will reflect an undisputable nature or whether they will continue to support fanciful or wrong beliefs like most words often do.  Most encouragement seems inflated, the "don't worry, things'll get better" or the general response of "I'm fine," we say these things because we want them to be true.  Basically, we say everything with the hope that it is true.  In science though there is no way to prove a hypothesis, there are only observed patterns that we have grown to trust.

Well this is a pattern I have come to know, all I speak of are patterns I've come to know, maybe even based on single observations but the single most important and neglected aspect of learning is the observer themselves.  If we distrust the observer, can we trust what they observe?  Can you trust that I have seen that life has many pauses?  Can you trust the statement despite my attempts to defend it?  So, in life, there are many pauses- interruptions in the process of growing.  You can be psychological and say that these are stages of development but I would suggest you don't because "stage" gives the impression of a particular time that one can approach an issue be it the anal or oral or phallic stage or whatever.  I say "pauses" because as long as one is alive they are in the process of growing, we pause at a thought from time to time, we continue growing on the outside but on the inside, day after day we are still the same.  Superficial things change, wrinkles occur, the body grows and falls apart but inside we remain hung up on a single thought, one we've grown so tired of thinking anymore we've stopped thinking it.  We lost confidence in it because it said everything we were always told not to believe...  For me that thought has been 
"I'm special." and then it has been
"I'm not good." and even still
"I am not fine."  and then onto the horror that is
"Everything is not okay."

These thoughts needed thinking, and although I am young and still developing each one,  I was held back by my belief in all of them. For example, if I am special, why listen to anyone else?  The thought, while it has partial truth neglects that everyone believes it too (or has grown not to) and if everyone is special then there is no special, there is only different, and our worth to each other is in our differences and God bless differences for that.  I wouldn't need anyone if I still believed I was more special than anyone.  That is just an example and I was hung up on the thought for a long time, I still kind of am, I was told a partial truth when I was younger and it has left me uncompleted unto this very day. 

I will live in a world of partial truths until the day I die, I will live knowing that in everything I say there will be some falsehood, some contradiction that may just as well leave someone's life just as incomplete as mine.  What I beg is that these pauses are never seen as our place to stay- otherwise I will be the one to blame for leaving you out in the storm,  I will be the teacher who failed to teach you how to conquer fully.  If any philosopher is honest, he will tell you that all philosophy is defining the world so that you can have a home inside your head to make you feel safe in.  And if they are truly honest, they will admit that it is not going to stand forever.  You will move on, you will grow.  Basing your life on a thought is damning.  It is building a home on something you have not yet fully come to know. 

I would rather live in doubt.  That is all I see truth in.  I believe in moral, I believe in love, I believe in God.  But I do believe most of all that I will never fully know these things until I die, but the most life in life comes from learning what they are and not just surviving.  My latest thought that has held me for years is "What good is thought in a world governed by impulse?"  "What good is thought when all it will be is an incomplete treasure lost to the unsatisfied feeling of uncertainty?"
I will press on, I will learn what I need to learn and I will live the way I need to live in order to embrace the good that I know my thinking is, and I will not resign to the thoughts of others who's partial truths leave me without a home of my own.