Free

Way to paint a picture,

where the colors have dimmed with time-

like memories folded on the broken sidewalk. 

Your walls have failed to shine.  

Renewed, restored,

once again so matter-of-fact

What doors were closed so long ago,

you've found are coming back.

Here's a little bit of how I think.  After my other post tonight, I feel this one probably won't make sense, but here.  This one is about my mind.  Whether it's philosophy or logic or just the way everything fits together- I'm simply glad to see the whole picture sometimes.  Step back, take a breather, and just watch as the sun goes down.  How sad it has been before, of landscapes and dreams like the ones I've had burned in my brain, is how they fade away- either to distance or age or blindness.

I suffer from a very inconsistant mindset, I identify that there is a reason, yet I have no idea what it is.  I would say I'm bipolar.  Not that everyone doesn't have a good and bad side, I just seem to go back and forth rather quickly.  I find reasons to be in a good mood, if I can't, then I don't try to fake it, I just keep looking. 

But here is me taking a step back for a second.  Walking away from the poet in me, to approach a new vision, one where I'm not focused on the details to the point where perfection is lost in the mechanics of everyday living.  This life, this love, this picture is not visible through the eyes of a broken man.  Where I was born a conceptual man, love has been conceived in a tangible way.

That last line was a way of saying how I look too closely at who I think I need to be inside, that I don't do the outward things that God asks us to do.  I know I will never be perfect, I think a lot of people do.  But when I think about how my imperfection can be passed on, even uncomfortably seen, if I dare to act- well, that is what stops me from acting; that is exactly what stops me from being me.  The world is tough on imperfect, I just have to remember that the world was tough on perfect too.

Sorry

My science teacher was being mean one day as he yelled at one of the students who irritated him.  He said that you can't be sorry for something you did on purpose, otherwise you would have never done it.  If that's the case, I only have this to be sorry for.

I could say that I loved you enough

to be praying for your heart to heal,

I would be hoping just so badly that

that would actually have been true.

But sadly it isn't

and I thought I could

but the only heart I care for

is my own.

And that is what I am most sorry for.

Talk

It's night, and once again all I want to do is write.  Hubh, so many words I want to use but nothing real direct to say.  It's because life is so easily interpreted in so many ways.  I mean, so many people are just so eager to be different that we deny the things that make us all the same.  See, there is this idea that pops in my head whenever I write or talk, blog, whatever.  The thought is that I can't speak for everyone, which means I can't speak to everyone.

My own personal Babel.  I should probably pick a language and stick to it.

Temporal

The victory goes to the light in your eyes.



There are plenty of Bible verses that tell people to stop living in the temporal and to start focusing on the eternal.  In St. Paul's case, eternal refers to the Lord's work, where loving others and doing good to them will not only benefit them now, it will also pay off for the doer in the future.  I am a fine failure in the area of looking towards the future, my life is so set in the here and now that every effort I give must see results as in almost immediately.  Instant gratification, I'm sure everyone has heard the term before and for some set people, the words don't even apply to them.  But it's a curse to this generation; those who want the rewards as quick as the service.  Our minds are on an even more limited basis then the churches that St. Paul was writing to.

Temporal is a word used to describe anything temporary, things such as feelings, desires, or even life.  Eternal is used to describe God, love, and ideas- all things that are good.  Those are the things we should focus on.  Today, these words seem so simple and have been given a new meaning to me.  I guess I get overwhelmed a lot,  I start thinking about how much I will have to put forth in my life to truly reach the potential I feel I can.  I do this and I get scared.  It would take a lot of effort, a lot of time, a life lived without instant gratification would feel dry and painful.  I'm still scared to think about it honestly.  I'm so scared to write about how to make my life better and then force myself to actually go out and do it.  If there is ever anything that I know I need to do, I keep my mouth shut about it far too often. 

The church Paul was writing to was focusing too much on life in general.  Providing for their families, working for food day by day; not focusing on God and also not doing good things that needed to be done.  Good things not just to better their life, but to better the life of the people around them.  They were focused on working towards a goal:  it was delayed gratification, but temporal nonetheless.  It's a lifestyle the more "mature" in this world fall into, yes, their own selfishness is not necessarily the primary goal anymore but it is certainly a major player.  What if we were to act solely out of who we could be?  No focus on payoff or return or reaction, but just being with one hundred percent of who we are.  Fear comes in to play doesn't it?  We become afraid we are wasting time doing things of no importance, or we feel we are interfering with someone else's life.  Yes, we are to choose a direction we are to go, but what if that direction is toward God?  Toward doing every good thing that is prepared before you?  Your life would not be lived for time, because time means nothing, reward means nothing- all that matters is that good has been done, the Godly has been shown!

There is nothing of less importance than perpetuating the worthless.  And if all is temporary, then nothing really has any importance.  What dies is dead, regardless of the life it had.  So live your life to find that motivation that comes from knowing what is good and eternal and doing it, regardless of your temporary self.

Where the birds are...

Lately I have been noticing a big change in my demeanor, mostly because I'm allowing it out- instead of modifying who I am to suit what I think other people need from me, I'm being myself and moving along from there.

But today's lesson isn't about that at all, I have just been realizing over the last couple of days how important it is for me to ask questions of myself.  Most times I am a go with the flow person, and I end up paying a heavy cost for that- whether it's being unprepared or just getting outdone by those who are more proactive, I find myself settling to the bottom quite often while life passes over me. 

I will be honest with myself, I struggle to have many goals, with me being in chronic pain, my goal has always been to get rid of it, but after so many years, my goal seems unattainable and I feel I've stopped really pushing to find an answer, so I've just settled for an unreached goal.  I don't plan that often- possibly because my greatest failure is so personal to me that I've lost heart, or maybe it's because I'm just lazy- but I've stopped asking myself questions.  I'm stuck in a reactive mentality in a world where you need clear goals and a clear understanding of how to achieve them, and the flow just doesn't carry me quick enough to keep up.

I was thinking on my walk today (I actually named the post after a part of the neighborhood I walked in), and I was wondering why I get into the habit of  not looking forward.  I feel like it's because I'm rich.  All my needs are well supplied for- I have no reason to look ahead- whatever decision I make today, I can "afford" to pay the price tomorrow.  What a spoiled mentality that is!  And yes, I've always known I was spoiled, and I've been thinking about how rich I am lately,  but it's not like I have any idea of how not to be.  That's why I want to start looking ahead, not just by making decisions I know will help in the long run, but also by making decisions to accomplish a clear goal at a later objective.

Home

I make my titles by the first word that comes into my mind when I think of what I'm going to write about.  I got a call today from home, maybe that's why it slipped in, or maybe because, tday, I actually feel like I'm at home with myself.

Personal has been the word on my mind lately, and I hope I never forget the feeling that has come with it lately.  Let's face it, I've been feeling a little stifled for the past few months.  If you've ever been on the street and seen someone who does not look fine, and you ask them how they are, and they say "fine." Then you've been a victim of the culture we live in.

This is what I mean when I say fine.  "I'm not alright in my own eyes, but if you ask me to explain, I can't."  It bugs me to get personal with people, that's why I usually get personal with paper. There's nothing wrong with people, just too often, I've seen in them and myself that personal stuff is awkward and uncomfortable to deal with a lot of the times. Like Damien Rice says, "it's delicate," and when someone's willing to take that kind of care- it's hard to pass by.

I guess, the unorganized mind I've been allowing to breed inside of me iskind of spitting out thoughts in a crazy stream, but! I'm just glad I have it all down, see, this blog was intended on helping me communicate to other people what my thoughts are- but in actuality, my whole life has been arranged around how other people see me. Trying to set myself on the same level as someone else.  Frankly, that has been a mistake for me-  I am who I am, not someone else, and I want to know you for who you are, even if you don't want to know me for me.

Illustration

I want to remember this, for myself, because I love music.  I love passion, I love heart, and I know that these things are often the hardest things for me to express. I'm thinking of a flute player.  You can choose whatever instrument, I like to think of the flute though.  So this flute player has a desire in him to play music, but he's never picked up a flute before, you can hardly call him a flute player, except for his desire to be one.  He listens to professional "fluting" and he decides he wants to be taught by a professional "fluter," he wants to know what keys to press, what holes need to be covered so that he can make the noise his body longs to hear.

I long to do the same thing, but I long to play a different tune.  This world has no teacher for the symphony of feeling that I want to be able to release.  So I go to you, God.  I long for you my Teacher, to teach me how to tame my body like the mere instrument it is.  The instrument of my spiritual expression, my heart's push to be recognized for what it is.

This is super dramatic :) More of a journal entry than a blog- I just really liked the picture that my mind painted- how everything inside me may be the most beautiful symphony, my greatest song.  But if I can't "play" my body correctly- the world will never know how it sounds.

Push

There is no separation of church and state I believe.  If I look intently at how every decision is made, often, I am the one who caves under pressure to the fear of being in the wrong or to the fear that someone will lose respect for me.  All the while my own respect for myself is dwindling.

 I'm not standing up for what I believe here, I'm standing up for me. 
And the word church, I am using to refer to organized religion of any kind.

What I believe as a whole, changes, as well as it should.  With more information, the mind's perspective on many areas will grow.  I am Bible believing,  I believe in the Bible as God intended it, not as I have interpreted it.  I will always pursue the truth in what God gives us to see, I will always pursue the reason why what God asks us to do are the best things to do.  He promises us that if we trust in Him with all our hearts, He will make our path straight.  No one who hasn't trusted Him can say that is wrong, and even the people that have "trusted God" like me- well, we can hardly know the definition of that word as well as God intended. (1 Cor 8.2) And I often realize where I fall short.

So, as for church and state, I can tell you how that principle has no foundation in the Constitution, or I can tell you how it was only Thomas Jefferson's attempt to keep the nation from being ruled by any particular denomination or religion.  But the point I want to make here is the beliefs that we all have been forced to ascribe to, by the government.  Most arguing is just semantics anyway, but when you have a collection of beliefs that preclude another person's belief (i.e. allowing abortion when people disagree with it) there is going to be an obvious backlash.  See, it's not that I'm saying abortion should be eliminated by the government, that belief is for the church to follow, but in that same sense, what right does the government have to prohibit anything?  If they ban everything they believe will hurt the nation, the only reason they will accept or deny anything is based on a question that the church has to approach on a daily basis, what is beneficial to man?

So what results from this new coalition of mixed beliefs that is the government, is a belief system that is contributed to by almost all beliefs, but is not subject to any.  It is a religion in and of itself, it is the Church of America. 

It's amazing how their ideology has sunk into the minds of the unchurched in the nation.  The government openned up so many doors so that everyone would have the right to choose what belief to be subject to, and yet theirs is the one most people follow.  I personally feel that if the government were to be fully separate from the church, they would have to permit everything while everyone's own personal laws would be what limits there behavior.  I know this is impossible, not everyone has any laws.  But as a Christian, we are supposed to have discipline and prudence, being able to manage our own bodies in a godly way.  I am saddened by what seems to me is the contradiction that so many people stand by, separation of church and state is impossible what the government approves is not always what God approves, the government just doesn't want to be what limits our decisions- though in a lot of ways they do.

Anyway, I would love feedback from you guys- I will do my best to give a researched response rather than just an opinion- these are topics I want to learn more about, I don't claim to know anything about them right now, only what I see and how I see it.

Thought

You have bound yourself with your judgments, Christ came not to condemn you like you do yourself- but to show you that the chains you've bound yourself with can be loosened :)

Everything boils down

If I told a story, of things in my life, of how every second of it boils down to one tiny moment- one climactic conclusion- would you read it?  Would it appease your sense of wonder?  Would it satisfy that hole inside?
How could you ever go deeper in someone else's story? How hard would it be to read if your life was never so linear?

I'm not interested in the end of the story, I'm interested in the decisions that led up to it.
I want my happy ending! Not now, of course, but I want it nonetheless.  I want to read a story that shows me how someone finds that path to happily ever after.  I've seen far too many never find it.  I've even felt myself walk far from it.

I don't write about my end, I write about my beginning, my steps.  I don't want to show you a story of false hope, or one of confusing disillusion.  This is my life, I sound crazy sometimes, it just shows you how I struggle with being human- not knowing my end, not knowing if my end is worth reaching.

I wrote once, a phrase that often came to my mind "Lord, this is my life, which is broken for you."
A rip off of what Christ said at the last supper.  Now, I'm starting to think I know why He said it, why He did it.  It wasn't my broken life that I needed to hold on to, but Christ's broken body- His body that replaces my brokenness and fills my life with a little bit of perfect.  What it is, is mine to give up to. The more of me that I see is broken, the more I am able to choose Christ where it counts.

My life, my decisions and my "steps along the way."  They often show me where I've gone wrong- where I've strayed from my path to happiness.  That is my brokenness, and in turning to Christ, making my decisions with Him in mind, that is where my path becomes right. (Proverbs 3:5-6)