Self image

Better than the rest.  All my life, that's what I've been told. I'm better than the rest.  Only through encountering people and getting to know them do I find that it's not true- I'm not better than anyone.  I'm merely the best at being me.  Such a juvenile concept.  It's a shame, even now, I attack my most important thoughts by plugging them as something everyone else already knows.  I've heard people say it that selfish way where they leave others to fend for themselves, and I've heard people say it like it's been a part of them all of their lives.  But do they live it out? No, you can say that what is said is true, but it's not real until you make it that way.  Have I seen someone consciously able to help anyone live their life? I don't think I have.  Friends just make it more bearable.  I certainly take my load onto my own shoulders.  Leave no other burden so that it can be shared.  I do it to myself, so no one sees me as weak as I am.  I don't know if I can say I have friends- only because I don't let them share in my pain.  The people that can help me don't, and I don't want to ask-  be the one to bear my load.

Step beside me as I drag my cross
Take some of the weight on your own
I would never ask it of you

Maybe I should help you

Maybe I'm not the best, maybe I don't know what's weighing on anybody's shoulders.  All that has fallen on mine is rather fuzzy as it is.  Love is a lift, not a bandage for a situation but a journey with no end.  No exceptions, no holding back.  I'm not gonna watch you as you take your cross to your hill.  At least, in the end, I won't want to say I did.

Make it real, please God, make it real.

Best is still what I want, why else would I hate people? Oh I can see the good in them, the good I could never grasp.  Best is what I hate, because it reminds me I'm not.

I'm editing this in, I must have lost my train of thought because I was going to give my example of self image related living.

There was a time when I saw myself as God's White Knight.  Hence my Alias.  I worked at summer camp, I said whatever I felt and my heart was so filled with concern and love and God's Word that I didn't think twice.  I just did.  That was awesome, then I found a million reasons to doubt myself.  My own desires started kicking in, I got too confident.  I thought I was allowed to do whatever I wanted because God was on my side.  I'm glad I was taught I was wrong, life has a way of doing that, you know, destroying you if you're not who you need to be.  Well, I was a White Knight because I believed it- once the belief left, I couldn't maintain it. So, self image I guess is about giving yourself a reason to believe something is true.

Like working out with the belief you'll get thin.  Studying with the belief you'll be smart.  Living for God with the belief you'll find love in Him.  Belief goes beyond what you actually think, it's inspired by what you know as well.  I trust that Christ knows what is best for me.  I'm working on believing it in my heart, with my life, my actions, my future.  Self image; maybe it's about just knowing your taking steps to accomplish what you believe to be true.  Self image; knowing you were made exactly the way you need to in order to do whatever you need to do.  And that's live.